Tumbling Blocks.

"Boum!" Cole demanded in his poorly enunciated baby-speak. I obliged, waking him over to the Lego's and large building blocks. He proceeded to hand them to me in chunks, sometimes three at a time and sometimes only one. I started the stack off and he fumbled around with the last few, insisting on finishing the tower himself. "Boum!" He repeated as he knocked down the house we built. It cascaded through the ground, scattering ever which way. When the clatter was over, a large portion of it was laying on its side, still intact.



I was suddenly struck so hard emotionally that I had to leave. I left Cole to my mother's care and walked upstairs to my room. There I sat in a small ball, pondering the recent events in my life.

---

Prior to West Bloomfield:



"You're skipping the wedding for MARCHING BAND?" My sister said incredulously.

"I can't let them down! Its a competition. We are one unit working together, you can't just take a piece out and expect it to run." I replied.

"Alright well sorry Aunt Kathy and Uncle Mike are gonna die soon. If I were you I'd be spending all the time I could with them." Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what she was saying. I knew they were getting old but death? No, that hadn't crossed my mind. Invincible Mike? Ha, fat chance of death getting his hands around him. And Dadia? She has too many people to take care of. She couldn't die.

Invincible Mike. Just like your other Uncle Mike, huh? You saw him die, and you still don't believe it can happen to someone else?

Sad realization quickly turned to anger. Who the hell was she to say such things? I had never know my sister to be so snide. Honest? Yes. Head-strong? Yes. Blunt? Oh hell yes. But never so insensitive.

--

I saw today's scene play out in my head like a movie.



"Code blue! Code blue!" The speakers blared with a scratchy female voice. Available doctors rushed into the OR, scrambling for information. A bad reaction to the anesthetics and medications caused Kathy to stop breathing, mid examination. The doctors milled about in controlled chaos. Gathering oxygen tanks, ventilators, antitoxins, and counteractants. Meanwhile her heart rate plummeted. The doctor providing CPR wiped sweat from his brow and continued pumping...



---



They worked their magic---or simply did their job---and kept her heart beating. Eventually they were able to take her off the ventilator and she could breathe on her own. When my mother told me that I had nearly lost my Aunt today, I immediately thought back to that short, painful conversation I had with Jenny. Nothing is as permanent as it seems.



Here we all are, skating on thin ice, and at any moment any one of us could break through.



Recently, I have learned my life is simply a block house. It can tumble over at anytime. I never know whether it will stay intact, or simply crumble beyond recognition. First there was Dad's lungs and the looming threat of cancer. Then the one constant in my life tore out his roots from my heart and left a gaping hole. And in a blink of an eye that bright eyed, curly haired boy I met this summer had his life cut off abruptly in a car crash. While today, my aunt came face to face with death and I had skipped spending precious moments with her for a competition we got a piss worthy score at anyways.



Certainly, my house of Lego's is in a state of topplement, and all I can do is hope it survives the fall.

***But damnit your so young. Well I don't think I care.

"He made the mistake,
that so many other guys have made.
He didn't talk to you about it.
He didn't think you would understand.
Which is dumb,
because you would have."
And of course I would have.
THIS IS HIGHSCHOOL!!!
Its for making mistakes,
Its for falling in love,
Its for getting your heart broken,
and its for learning how to deal with it.
You can't asume I hate you,
You can't asume I'm bitter.
I try my hardest to think
on a purely rational level.
Especially on issues,
where emotions would trip me up.
AND I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD!
No one,
especially a guy,
wants to find 'the one'
in highschool.
Thats way too young.
Dear god!
I'm only 15!
I feel like I've lived much longer,
but in reality,
I'm so young.
And you are too.
So I understand.
Can't we handle things maturely?
Please?
I have no hard feelings.
I'm thankful I got to have you for so long.
I'm happy for the memories I made.
I'm glad I gave my heart to you.
I'm glad you gave your heart to me.
"Check your back pocket."
"Nothing's there."
"I gave you my heart,
keep it safe."
I tried.
But somehow it escaped me.
If you love something, let it go.
If it returns, then its truely yours.
I'm letting you go.
With no regrets.
I hope you return,
but if you don't
its ok.
I'll be happy you're free.

Somewher deep down, I feel like I found the one for me. Though, rationally speaking, its probably just stupid teenage emotions. I cross my fingers, and hope you might someday feel that way too. But if not, for now, I'll try my best to always be happy for you. I love you.

***And there was hope in me that I could take you there.

I wanted to tell the stories,
tell the truth.
But sadly,
I can no longer discern which is which.
Truth or lie?
Does it really matter?
I try and focus on one cause,
But there were many intermingled,
and some of them I have forgotten.
All this time I've tried to forget,
And now I shoot for memories--
Not to reminisce,
But to teach from--
and they are blurred.
Perhaps this is a good thing,
for me,
but all I want is to help you.
I don't want to see
a repetition of what happened to me.
And I'm not talking about violence.
I'm talking about the emotional destruction,
the insecurity and paranoia.
That you may or may not recognize now,
but surely it will get to you.
I know you may feel
helpless, out of control, confused.
But you do have control.
Its hardest to grasp it,
because everything else is pushing it out.
Memories, thrill, hypersensitivity,
(to a particular person caused by the forbidden aspect of it)
But you do have it.
The hardest thing to do is the right thing.
If this means cutting all ties,
feigning hatred so he doesn't try to talk to you.
Do it.
It will hurt like a bitch.
The familiarity,
daily ritual,
will be interrupted.
But it has to be done.
The one who loves you most
has given you many second chances.
He is hoping against hope
That you will stop.
He cares for you,
much too deeply for his own good.
Loosing this will hurt infinitely more than loosing the other.
I know this is becoming poorly worded,
but listen to me,
please.
I am always here for you.
Day, night, and anytime in between.
Replace your chats with him,
with chats with me.
I'll do everything in my power,
and beyond,
to help you in any way you need.
I am devoted,
100%,
to you.
My friend,
My secret bearer,
My Aries sister.
Keep in mind:
"I remain
Mistress of mine own self
and mine own soul."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

thought of the day.

"When you get caught in a rip tide, you don't swim against the current. You go with it so you don't wear yourself out and drown. Life is a rip tide. I chose to drown."

***Maybe cross the country, become a rock star.

THIS IS A MESS. DON'T READ IT.

I push through the dark thick fog, or murky water (not sure which.), and i clear away a small space. To see through for an instant. Hope. A future? I doubted it was ever there. But i see glimpses and moments. And the veil of intuition chokes out the color, and i shiver. "Haha." i laugh aloud. "There isn't a future. You know as well as I do." i speak to the ghosts of my past, and the silent lingerings of thoughts. You were born into tragedy. Loss personified. Kiss the hardened asphalt and cry to someone who cares. But don't dare waste your time on that. You knew as a child, they would all fade away. You knew the misfortune, and the fakeness of "reality". Now you live it day by day. Seeing things before they happen, but that isn't future, for a future should be looked forward too, and this is certainly not. But it cannot change. Intuition only lets you listen in to the darkness. And the light you are blind to, until its gone.
Dreams are lies, which i must not tell.
(For I've told to many already, to dicern the truth.)


I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THIS.

First thing in the morning. (Playing along.)

First thing in the morning,
I pull the covers tighter.
I suck in a big gulp of air.
And I hold my breath.
I think to myself,
"You're alive.
You made it through another night,
that you should have died during.
Time to brave the day.
And die tomorrow night,
again."
By then I'm dizzy.
And my lungs scream.
And I smile,
for I have some control.
And then I exhale,
and inhale.
Stale air.
And emptiness.

What do you do before you go to bed?

***I had these dreams in them I learned to play guitar.

Bold.

You can't be anything less.

And last night,

I dreamed I was.

I needed you.

I pulled you aside,

at musical practice,

"What?"

You asked.

I wrapped my arms around you.

Holding you tight.

Breathing in your scent.

Ungaro, with something else.

Gamey and musky.

Slightly sweet.

Intoxicating.

After what seemed like a blissful forever,

but was probably only seconds.

I loosened my grip.

"That's all I needed."

I lied.

I turned around.

walked back to practice

You followed.

We were talking,

in a group.

With Christie

(funny how dreams are),

and a few others.

We stood side by side

And I felt impulsive.

So I turned and kissed you,

right there in front of everyone.

Your lips were warm and familiar.

I didn't want to give them back up.

But I did,

quickly,

leaving you hungry for more.

But you acted like you didn't care.

I needed a ride home from you,

and your dad came late.

You slipped your arm around my waist,

as we waited alone.

You kissed me like the world was ending,

and I was all that could save it.

When you finally broke for air,

you leaned in

whispering into my hair

"God damnit. I've missed you."

You said between labored breaths.

"I haven't."

I replied,

lying again,

and walked away.

***But we don't have much room to live.

A snowflake fell from the sky.
Crystalline and unique.
Undisturbed it floated down.
Catching on my eyelash.

A chemical reaction-
a transfer of heat-
Created a perfect teardrop,
For your lips to meet.

(Kiss the tears away.
Don't we all deserve
a second chance?)

***And I'm sleeping in your living room.

"So you will know I'm thinking of you always
So you will know you're never alone

So you will know there will never be a time when
I sill stop missing you..."

-Julie Williams, Escaping Tornado Season

***And then you bring me home, Afraid to find out you're alone.

Pick up the pieces,

Hanging from a thread,

And put it back together,

At dangerous heights.

Unscramble the words,

So you forget to understand.

Promise not to look back,

When I run away.

Google Verb Meme.

I got this off the Vlogbrothers and I had to do it.

-----

GOOGLE MEME! Answer the following questions.

Q. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
"Gina needs to STFU about miscarriages!"

Q. Type in "[your name] looks like" in the Google search.
"Gina Carano says Tara LaRosa looks like a man."

Q. Type in "[your name] says" in the Google search.
"'Gina Says' is actually a book based of blog conversations.

Q. Type in "[your name] wants" in the Google search.
"Gina wants to look perfect in the mirror!"

Q. Type in "[your name] does" in the Google search.
"Gina does 18 flips and almost lands the last one!"

Q. Type in "[your name] hates" in the Google search.
"Gina Hates Me- on myspace music"

Q. Type in "[your name] asks" in the Google search.
"Gina asks 'WHY?'"

Q. Type in "[your name] likes" in the Google search.
"Gina likes to read or watch TV after work."

Q. Type in "[your name] eats" in the Google search.
"Gina eats Edmonton."

Q. Type in "[your name] wears" in the Google search.
"Every time Gina wears skinny jeans, God kills a kitten."

Q. Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in the Google search.
"Gina was arrested for donning 'demonic' clothing."

Q. Type in "[your name] loves" in the Google search.
"Gina loves Michel, Michel loves Gina-Journal"

----

Well nothing too exciting. The first was quite amusing though.

***Cuz you're afraid to find out all this hope that you had sent into the sky by now had crashed. And it did, because of me.

I made a paper bird.
With nurture she learned to Fly.
Her beauty was astounding.
But, Alas, it was Hunting Season.

Pierced by (my) Arrow or (your) Bullet?
We'll never know.
She Screeched,
instead of Singing,
as she fell to the Earth bellow.

I could try to save her.
And nurse her back to health.
But this situation surely required a team,
For a team we were no more.
And so She died.
As I did in Your arms.

I've lost control.

After 24 hours I had not had anything to eat or drink but a half a glass of water this morning. When dinner rolled around today I tried my best to avoid it. Not because I'm trying to starve myself or anything, I'm just not hungry. Far from it. I'm certain I'll puke if I eat. I finally was forced to eat a taco. That was a bad move. My stomach is wrenching right now.

I didn't think I could hurt to the point that I wouldn't stop crying. Or that crying to such an extent would make my nauseous. Since when was it possible for the human body to hurt so much? I feel like I'm going to pass out from exhaustion but I can't sleep. Every little fiber of me is ready to pass out. Its strange, how after only one day I feel like a zombie. Inside, I'm a cold empty cavern. Its like my heart got ripped out and replaced with a snowball.

Fuck.
I really have no talent at writing.
At least not now.
But I have to do something to distract myself.
Being alone is scarier that I ever thought it could be.


"I still love you. Just not in the same way. I loved you so much. I really did. I'm sorry."

***And you don't wanna look much closer.

I don't think you realize how much of an intricate part in my life you have become. When I said you were my world, I meant it. One year, three weeks, and one day is more than enough time for someone to wiggle their way deep into your life. You can't just be wrenched out. It isn't going to work that way. I couldn't even cry in peace today. Every where I looked there was something that made me think of you. The paper flower and "stuffed animal" (i.e. dog toy) on my book shelf. The charm you got me for our one year on my window sill. The last rose of the trio still in the vase on my dresser. And just yesterday I put together a collage for my wall along my bed. Many of the pictures in it are of you and me. I didn't clean up so there were pictures scattered all over of us. I couldn't escape it. I felt suffocated by the immensity of it. How the hell am I supposed to wake up in the morning knowing your not mine? What do I do with the accumulation of items and photos? How do I bar myself from the memories?



How do I stop crying?



I'm a wreck with out you. I don't understand how I can even go through the day tomorrow. Whats going to happen if I don't get you back? I can't see a future for me without you. I've lost so many friends from spending all of my time with you. And the ones I still have are your friends too. How is this going to work without being awkward? Because I'm not loosing them too. I refuse.



I never believed I could feel so completely broken.
I can't be fixed.

***So you say the present's just a pleasant inturruption to the past.

You know, I saw this coming?
I've known, for a while.
I know we haven't been the same.
And not even recently.
Post band camp probably.
Last night, I was afraid.
I don't even know why.
I had no reason to think it would be over.
So I fleetingly tried to salvage things.
"Just sayin, I love you! Sweetdreams my love."
I didn't expect a reply.
And I didn't get one.
When you tried talking,
but the words didn't come,
I knew exactly what you were going to say.
I tried.
and I failed.
I know I don't deserve a second chance,
But I'm asking for one anyways.
Please understand,
I need you.

***And you don't want to be here in the future.

-May-ish 2009

See?
See her?
She looks like an ordinary girl.
Look closer.
See her world?

See the way she screamed and cried?
See how she's dying on the inside?

She thinks her life means nothing-
It wont matter when she's gone.
She'll do the world a favor,
Silencing her voice everlong.

See the bruises she tried to hide?
See the cuts---attempts at suicide?

She begins to see the light,
Knowing she has to be strong.
But its just to difficult,
She has been hurting far too long.

------

Well I'm glad that time in my life is over. That was written the end of my 8th grade year, shortly after I tried to kill myself. This is all I could really do for this lyric.

***I didn't think so.

I didn't think.
I jumped head first.
I went in blind-
Nothing rehearsed.

I thought you loved me.
I thought you cared.
We got too close-
The passion flared.

Better friends than lovers.
Reality over-glossed.
I cried you goodbyes-
As our paths uncrossed.



I didn't think I'd ever feel like you didn't care about me. I thought you'd always be there, but I was very wrong. Wasn't I?

***No. Could you let me go?

Dear Daddy,
I wish we were so much closer. I'm sorry that I've grown up, and things have gotten complicated. I'm sorry I had to live up north, and we only got to see each other every other weekend for four years. It didn't seem like a big deal back then. I regret it now. I wish we could have spent so much more time together. I'm so afraid our time will be cut short.
Daddy I'm scared. What if this medication switch doesn't fix it? What if you are still coughing? What if you have cancer from all of that asbestos exposure in the mill?
Why didn't they figure this out sooner? I've secretly been crying myself to sleep for months, terrified of the C-word. I know they gave you chest x-rays but it usually doesn't show up on those until its too late. The doctor said herself she wants you in for a cat-scan.
And the fact that you are turning 60 this year scares me even more. It never bothered me that you and mom were so much older than all of my friends parents, but now I realize the disadvantage. I understand now that I'll probably be robbed of precious years with you and mom that other children get to have. I know I have no room to talk, since you lost your parents at the age of 3, but I've taken you for granted way too much.

I want you to know that I love you, so much, even though I don't show it often.
I'll always be your little girl no matter what. I promise you that.

**You've got to get out. You can't stand to see me shaking.

---Note: I am sorry this is incredibly late. For the past three days I have been working non stop in my room painting, reorganizing, and the like.

I opened that box of notes.
A can of worms I should have never started.
My throat closed up,
My vision blurred,
And I all but froze,
As I read those dreaded passages.
Only a few lines from each one---
Just to make sure it wasn't worth keeping.

One by one I threw them away.
It was a eire mechanical movement.
Most of my mind was somewhere else,
wrenched back into a different time,
when the message was written.

The papers sometimes tore
from my shaking hands.
Bit by bit I threw away the past.
Whole notebooks.
Over a year worth of notes.
Drawings.
Poems.
Conversations.

This new room is more symbolic than I thought it could be.
A fresh start.
Forget the past.
(as much as you can)
Neglect is an art.

***And your restless. And I'm naked.

(Note: the irony of this stunned me. perfect timing for the title.)

It shouldn't have hurt that bad,
But it did.
I wanted tonight to be perfect.
No distractions,
only whispered gratification.
Skin on skin.
I wanted to feel loved again.
I wanted you to want me,
for all the right reasons,
and some of the wrong ones.
Right when the world started to melt away
and dissipate down to just me and you,
you had to say it.
You had to tell me
You don't want me anymore.
I know that's not your exact words.
But that's what it felt like.
I choked back the tears,
and whispered ok.
And continued on,
trying to salvage
bits and pieces
of what this night could have been.

I'm starving for your affection.

***Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover.

There is strength in solitude.
Tho some times I am so lonely,
it hurts to the core.
It makes me tougher.
Piece by piece,
I put myself together.
And even though some pieces are missing,
I'm almost whole.

I've accepted by now:
That I'll never be the same.
I'll never forget it.
I can't change the past.
But I'm ok with that.
(not really,
but I find consolation
in repeating those words)

I'm never going to wake up
to things being back
to how they should be.
But I'll fight through it.
I have to.
What else is left,
if I don't?

"I remain

Mistress of mine own self

and mine own soul."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Come on Gina, Get over it.

Staggared breathing.
You choke on oxygen.
Eyes moisten.
you push it back.
Stuff it down
into that overflowing
trash can
of unwanted feelings
and memories.

Fuck it.
Make it go away.
Now.
Please!
I'm begging you.

Get a grip on yourself.
Your spilling over the edges.
Come on now,
Its almost been a year.
Since you were *****.

You still can't fucking speak up can you? God damn I hate you. You as in me. Get the fuck over it. It has to remain a secret. You'll destroy yourself and the ones you love if you open your fat mouth. And you know what the worst part was? You fucking deserved it. Don't kid yourself.

***And you tell me that its over.

I dreamed-
no-
nightmared,
last night.

I heard those words
Come from your mouth.
You said "Its over."
My heart went south.

We both know its coming.
Tension in the air, I feel.
But we are ignoring it
Hoping silence will heal.

It needs to be said,
or worked out at least.
The flashbacks re-started,
my dark moods increased.

I'm falling back down
that endless abyss.
It chokes out my soul,
And I long for death's kiss.

Its partially my fault,
for all my secrets.
But my mouth is sewn shut
Blocking out those regrets.

(Please)
Wake me up my love,
When I begin to scream.
Take me out of this nightmare,
Back into your dream.

***Its always you in my big dreams.

Scenarios. Hundreds of them. I thought it all out. This day was going to be perfect. I was hoping, against hope, you would do something I didn't see coming. Something cute, touching, charming. I dreamt we would spend the entire day together. Morning till night. You would hold me and whisper into my ear how you feel about me. We'd fall asleep for a couple hours in each others arms. Maybe watch a movie or two. We'd just be together, feeding off each others presence.

But dreaming is for sleeping. And reality is for being awake. The reality that this isn't perfect---not even close. The reality that we could hardly spend a couple hours together on our one year. The reality that you would rather invite Lakin and Brandon over than be alone with me.

The reality that we just don't work together.

As much as I want to, and as much as I can dream about it, I don't see us going further. Maybe we'll be together for a long time to come. Its possible we could last this whole year. But I don't see us advancing. I think you've reached your stopping point. I don't think you can grow with me more. As well as I don't think you could love me further.

I love you and I will wait. I will be patient and stand by you forever. I have no problem with waiting for you to mature. But if you aren't going to, if this is it, I need to know. Not a second waiting would be wasted if there is a future for us, but if there isn't... Well then I don't think I can dream much longer.

***But I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams.

Its like a wave crashed over me. My feet are rooted to the sand but the watter is pulling me forward. I can't move though. Its just tugging at me. Then the undertow draws it back, pulling me in another direction.
That's how I feel right now. This college stuff is too much to take in. I don't want to think about it right now. Kathy, you are doing too much. Setting me up to shadow Mel at NASA? That's unreal. Awesome. But unreal. I appreciate it, I really do. I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
Everyone needs to take a step back from me. I can't handle every one's dreams of me being a surgeon or a lawyer being shoved down my throat anymore. I'm going to follow my own dreams. Not yours. Leave me out of your thoughts for now.

***And I don't understand all the things you've seen.

It has been far too long since we have hung out. What happened? We were inseparable as kids. More like brother and sister than cousins. It seems when I lived three hours away we saw each other a hundred times more often than we do now, when I'm practically right down the street. Two years without seeing each other hasn't made it easy. You've changed. Grown up. And I don't like it. I know I have also, but its hard to accept. What happened to the days of us sitting in Aunt Barb's living room eating happy meals and whining that we both got girl toys?
I actually saw that picture when we were unpacking. My eyes watered. Uncle Mike was the glue that held this family together, wasn't he? Now we've all taken our separate paths. Seen new things. Had new experiences. It's shaped us all differently. I hate to say it but I don't feel like we are a family anymore. Just a group of people forced to be civil with each other.

What made you change from that little boy? The one in the spider man suit. The one who wanted us to become famous salsa dancers? Now it's screamo music and silence. Dyed hair and a car to go wherever you want. I missed something important.

Pick me up next time you go for a drive. Lets order two happy meals and talk about the past. Then we'll get everyone together once more. Lets be a family again.

***When the lights are turned down low.

We become one.
A soft embrace in a chilling tempest.
All else fades away.
You are mine.
all mine.
And I'm yours.
Every fiber of my being
is yours.
I feel the concaves and ridges
of your body.
You caress my shoulders
and all the tension melts away.

As close to perfection
as one can be.
In this moment,
You and me.

***I can't imagine all the people that you know, or the places that you go.

Strawberry blonde curls frame your face. Messy ringlets cascade over your shoulders. They pool around a lackluster orange knit hat. Your muted beauty is a perfect match to the mellowed out vibes of the Kaya Coffee House. Its like its atmosphere has shaped your being---or did you shape the aura of this place? The freckles on your face are abstractly artistic. Your cloudy green eyes have seen just about everything, haven't they?



I want to start a conversation with you---get to know you and your story. I say hello but I can tell I sound like an outsider to you. A silly little teen who doesn't know who or what she is talking to or about. "Do you have any, uhm, specialty lattes?" I ask in a fleeting attempt to start a discussion.



"Yeah, right there." You wave unmindfully at the black-board menu behind you. I blush, embarrassed. You probably think I'm stupid. I already saw the menu, and I read it through. I was just hoping for some input from you. I proceed to order a Love Potion #9. You make change without giving me a second glance. I sip my latte and you go outside for a smoke.



The walls are clothed in art, yet somehow it isn't cluttered. I read a newspaper cutout about you. You make backpacks and for each one you sell, you give one away to a child in need. That makes me smile. People helping people. I read some poems on the walls. One is about the Kaya itself. "I walk the grass and avoid the sidewalk."



The bus honks outside to signal the students to load up. My time here is done. All too soon. Hopefully I'll return within the year to walk among the grass with you.

A breath of wind.

Your lips are a whispered wind caressing my cheek. A soft breeze or a violent gale, it can change in an instant. Tempting. Coaxing. Blowing me in different directions and then switching abruptly. I stumble keeping up, blown in circles from a perfect tornado. I create my own storm. Pushing back. Probing for the responses I want. Sometimes our breaths coalesce and become one air mass of its own. Keeping perfect time with the currents in our stratosphere.



And other times the silence from our mouths clashes and creates a frightening tempest. Caught off balance I am ripped from your arms. The whirlwind throws us every which way-closer and apart-but we remain silent. Closed lipped and bearing fake smiles. The strength of the wind behind our lips will only grow in intensity. We can't keep on like this or we will be blown apart forever. But my greatest fear is to open my mouth, for that would unleash the full blast of this gale. Now after waiting so long will we be able to withstand its hurricane strength force? I know that tempest will be abrupt and when it is over all will be calm. But what if you are blown away? I don't think I will be able to keep even the slightest breeze in my lips after that.

Konstantine Challenge

So it seems, I cannot get this song out of my head. Every time I listen to it I find more meaning behind it. No matter what situation I am in there is always a lyric that fits perfectly into that moment. I've chosen to work this to my advantage. Starting from the beginning of the song, I am going to use each line as a title for a blog. Now obviously I am not going to make 15 separate blogs for "Did you know I missed you?". If a line is repeated it only gets one post. That goes for the chorus too. I will only make additional posts for the chorus when it changes slightly. Also, titles may include more than one line if they go directly together. Its mostly common sense.
Rules?

• The blog must relate in someway to the title, whether it be a poem, journal, short-story, or photo blog. Fiction or Non-fiction. (I have a feeling most of these posts will be non-fiction, story-of-my-life kind of things. As usual.)
• No more than 48 hours may pass between posts
• More than one post can go up in a day
• Non "Konstantine Challenge" related blogs may also be posted during the duration of this challenge.
• "Konstantine Challenge" posts will be distinguished by a "*" prior to the title.
• I begin tomorrow.

Wish me luck. This will be the fist blog-challenge I've ever done. And I don't think I've ever posted more than 10 blogs in one month. This could be interesting...

No, this WILL be interesting.

***Konstantine-Something Corporate***

"And live with what I did to you. All the hell I put you through."

I'm so happy you're alive.
I don't mean to make it sound bad.
But I was worried.
More worried than I think I'd ever been.
You scared me.
Tomorrow we need to talk,
long and hard.
I can't keep your secrets anymore,
if you are going to get hurt.
Saturday was enough.
I couldn't handle another time.
Especially so close.
And I'm sure your body couldn't handle it either.
Hand over the bottles.
This has to stop.
Before I lose you.

I hate my body.

What else is there to say?
Its completely inconvenient.
To small for everything.
I can't even be intimate with Jake
Because it hurts too much.

My hands are too small,
to keep a good grip
on rifle, sabre, or the like.
My feet are too tiny,
for any shoe I try on.

My legs are too short,
to be a beautiful model.
My arms are too awkward,
to be comfortable without sleves.

But I'm going to try
and not let it bug me as much.
Lets stop staring in the mirror,
and weighing yourself everyday,
Because it doesn't matter.

Self, I love you sometimes.

You wink, it's good-bye,

You push me away,
And then pull me back
Only half as far.
I tried to be the glue
But I'm unsticking
and slipping
Losing grip
On this distorted reality
Perfectly twisted.
Patiently painful.
Lets test our limits,
and run for the sky.
Then we'll see what's left.

Grasp it with your all. Don't let go.

Yesterday you asked what I want to do.

Do? I said. Like after highschool?

Yeah.

Well my parents want me to be a doctor or a lawyer.

Does that intrest you?

Not at all.

Oh. You sighed.

They say if I do anything else its a waste of tallent.

Well what do you really want to do?

I want to travel I said.

Travel the world.

Meet interesting people.

Learn their stories.

Photograph them and their culture.

Share it.

Its all about expreience.

You know?

You smiled.

Excitement washed over you.

I was reminded of a little kid,

who just opened a christmas present.

We will. You said.

You, me, Jenna, after senior year.

We'll travel the world.

Write a book!

The hope you emited was pure.

Nothing could shatter that firm belief

of the future you held.

I tried with all my strength to grab it.

Capture that hope and never let go.

I wanted to believe as much as you did.

Its possible.

Yes. Believe it.

New beginings.

Hope starts today.

Corsage and Boutonniere

Its between white roses and white orchids. Lets compare.

White Rose

innocence and purity
early on, symbolised true love (now the red rose)
now symbolise young love
secrecy
often depicted stained by blood or made to blush from a kiss
honnor and reverance
rosebuds represent being "too young for love"

White Orchid
purity
love, respect, adortion
delicate beauty

I think I'm going with the white rose.

"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away..."

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises to external passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident...."
-Captain Corelli's Mandolin6 "Love is the beauty of the soul."
-St. Augustine

I read this.

And cried.

Its spot on.

And beautiful.

End of story.

Ultimatum

Tomorrow I'll give him an ultimatum.

Final

Peremptory

Demand.

Take it or leave it,

It's his choice.

(God I hope he takes it.)

This saturday I could be dancing alone.

Or I could have a magical evening,

with the boy I love.

Why can't a good thing last?

This summer we were so perfect.

Match for match just love.

A gravitational need to be in eachother's arms.

Today he could ignore me without a second thought.

He used to see the minute expressions,

that most don't pick up on.

But now when the pain is stark on my face

He seems blind to it.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Don't forget that.

No matter what happens.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you enough to overcome most of the pain.

And the saddest part is that I don't get that sick feeling anymore when I think there's a 1% chance this could be the end.
And the chance is much grater now.
40% at the least.
I love you so much I can't put it into words.
It's an intensity I've never felt before.
But I am so sick of being treated this way.
Katie and Exner can get compliments and your arm around them but I can't?
Dont. Tell me. You. Were just. Joking.
I've had enough.
And I love you and I want to stay with you.
Put I can't put myself through this if you don't make an effort.
Lets see what happens tonight.
Then I'll decide.

Unfulfilled.

Today was wonderful. You picked me up inside and took a big weight off my heart. I've missed cuddling with you. When your arms are around me I feel so much safer. I feel like everything can work out and there is no reason for me to worry. I see the Jake I fell in love with, not the Jake I argue with. I just want to stay there forever, where the everything is perfect for a few moments. I want to stare into your eyes and tell you that I love you. And I did. You response wasn't perfect, but what is? I love you.

The only problem with spending time like we did today is that its too good. I don't want to give it up. I don't allow myself to bring up what I've been meaning to talk with you about for so long. Even though I know that right then, we both let our guard down, and I could really speak to you and make you understand where I'm coming from. But I feel like those moments are a fragile pice of glass. If I open my mouth it will shatter into a million pices and I wont be able to put it back together. I'll just have to wait for the next glass-moment to come along. And what if it doesn't? So I push the important issues to the back of my mind and lose myself in your presence for awhile.

When I have to leave, all too soon, I'm still floating on air. For the rest of the day I should be happy. And I am. Although I feel unfulfilled. I know I should have talked to you and I'm beating myself up for not doing it. Now I'm just going to put it on the back-burner and wait for another oportunity. And sadly, I know when that time comes around I'll just ignore it again.

Its my fault. I have to learn to speak my mind. And soon.

Hormones

I hate hormones. Almost as much as I hate periods. Isn't it great how they are a package deal? I swear I'm ready to rip my hair out one second and just sit down and cry the next. In the words of my mother "No wonder Jake didn't want a ride home with you tonight."
I have so much more to write but I just crashed. I would save this as a draft and write tomorrow, but I know I wont feel the same.
So goodnight.
Sweetdreams.
Please.

Yep. Thats about it. Almost....

I'm sorry. It was too harsh. I wish I could take it back. But that's how I felt. And even though i want to take it back, I'm making myself not. Because otherwise I'll never pipe up again to speak my mind. I'm too afraid to open my mouth when it matters most. And when I do say something, it comes out sounding like its a joke. But its not. It hurts. So bad. Only you could see when I was hurting before. Now it seems like I can fool you too. (Even though I wasn't trying to hide it.)
So kiss me? On the forehead. Like you did at first.
Soothe my heart.
Calm the inner storm.
Wipe the escaping tear.
And kiss me.

I Promise You Need To Know This (Sorry I can't say the words.)

This I Promise you,
Down to the core,
I need you.
I need you by my side.
I need your love.
I need your touch.
But right now,
I need your voice.


I love to please you,
You know that.
-Stop-
I Promise I'm selfish.
Its not all for you.
I do it for me.
Because I'm dying.


Dying for your praise
Dying for compliments
Dying to be told I'm beautiful
Believe it or not,


I Promise I'm self conscious
To the core
It doesn't change.
I'm not conceited,
But I need constant reminder
You said it before
But I need it further,
Often.
I don't lay naked
And watch you dress
because I'm lazy.
I'm waiting...
...

...

...

but that was then,
and I'm still waiting
For you to turn around-
pants halfway on-
and hop back onto my bed,
Just to hold me
Close to you
And look me up
And down
"You are the most beautiful woman I know"
You'd say.
Whether that's true is debatable
but that doesn't matter.
I'd still glow.
But its been almost a year
And,
I Promise,

That has never happened.

I promise,

after we fool around,

and you say I look sad,

I am.

But it's not what you think.

I Promise

I feel used,

again.

Is it that hard

To tell me you love me

When it counts the most?

Not when we get off the phone.

Not when you say good-night.

But when its you and me

alone.

And the rest of the world melts

away

And nothing else is important

To me

But you.

For me,

it doesn't seem that way,

for you.

Its like

Everything else

Is much more important.

Suck it and we're done.

No cuddles

No favor returned

You open your laptop,

Download music

And whatnot.

As I pretend to nap

Holding back the tears.

And I Promise

More than anything

I want this to work.

I love you and

I can't lose you

And you need to

Know this.

All of it.

For that to happen.

Cuz that's a Promise.

Living a LiE

Is it possible to change your memories?
I've been accused of that recently.
I hated myself
So fully.
So completely.
So all encompassing.
For what I did.
But it was done in fear.
Wasn't it?
That is the only reason I let him.
Because I was afraid.
Wasn't I?
Terrified of the machine before me.
The toned muscle.
This sick mind.
The angry demands.
My excuse was fear,
As far as I remember.
But was there more?
Did I really want it?
Did I intice the behavior?
Did I ask for it?
Thats not how I remember.
But bile rose in me when you mentioned
You remembered it differently.
The hate,
Guilt,
Shame
I felt.
Did it change my recolection?
Is that how I survived it?
By changing the past?
To fit my reasoning?

I don't think I can deal with knowing the truth, if the truth is not how I recall. If I'm wrong, and I allowed those events to occur willingly, I don't deserve this wonderful life I have, for then this life is a lie. Where do I really belong? Right in the middle of this LiE?

Vanity.

Beauty is pain.

More than that,
Beauty is plague.
A disease.
Vanity.
Sick perfectionism,
Rude prejudice,
Conceit.
Downfall of moral.
Desctruction of value.
Death of friendship.

Vain little bitch,

It tears you up inside.

Unrelenting,

Neverending,

No escape.

This self-concious mental illness leaves your heart exploding in ur chest. Terrified of what others think. Scared of how you apear. I fear there's no way to make this nightmare end.

And you tell me that it's over, Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover.

And you don't want to be here in the future

So you say

"The present's just a pleasant,

Interruption to the past."

And you don't want to look much closer

'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope

That you had sent into the sky by now had

...crashed...

And it did.

Because of me.

[[Konstantine-Something Corporate]]

Isn't it funny?

Isn't it funny how you can go back and re-read what you wrote long ago and it doesn't sound like you?
Isn't it funny how there are so many things you don't remember?
Isn't it funny how those little memories you want to forget so badly decide to pop into your head at the worst possible times?
Isn't it funny that the memories you love, the ones you cling to and cherish, slip away no matter how hard you hold on?
Isn't it funny how your friends will ask you whats wrong and all you can say is "I don't know" even though you know quite well?
Isn't it funny how the words wont come when your crying out to tell someone?
Isn't it funny how your 'friends' will talk about you behind your back? In your own house? When they think you're asleep?
Isn't it funny how someday this is all going to end?
Will it be funny then?
Because I don't think it ever was.

Rose and Knife

She stood in a dark room, holding a rose blossom in one hand and a knife in the other. Her heart pounded as she looked at the objects.
"Choose." whispered a voice from the darkness. She rested her thoughts on the knife, for that was the path she had chose so many times before. The minutes ticked by as memories flooded her mind. The knife was danger, but it was solid. It would always be there. It was smooth , hard, and it drew her in like a drug. The pleasure of the knife was wild, but it would always be short-lived. Choosing the knife always brought much more pain then pleasure, yet it still drew her in.
She shifted her thoughts to the rose blossom. It was soft and beautiful, It was alive. she longed for the life the rose brought. There was no pain from the rose, and its petals only bore comfort. There were only two things that held her back from the rose. The lure of the knife and one small lingering thought. This thought creept in tho her mind. The rose will die. Eventually it would wilt. The petals would blacken and crumple. And then it would be gone, like dust in the wind.
"Chose." the whisper pressed.
"I can't..." she sobbed, falling to her knees. She cradled both the blossom and the knife in her arms, wanting them both---wishing for both---but knowing she could only have one.
Her hands shook as she held out the knife. Slowly, she laid it on the ground. She lifet her hand resting on it as she cried. Letting go seemed to take forever. With tears still running down her face, she stood up, cupping the blossom in her hands.
"I've made my choice."

~~~

The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Dear Friend,

I knew the pain would have to come out sometime. I knew I'd have to let it go.

I don't understand how I let this happen. Control. I let mine slip.
I tried to control it all---I really did--but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I always tried to be in control of what was going on. I hated the feeling of slipping, even though it was always there. I guess they were right. The cutting was a control thing. I wanted something in my life I could have complete control over.

How did I not realize my mind was so corrupt? How did no one else see? And if they did, why didn't they point it out?

I honestly believed I had a lifelong friend. You said yourself, "She is one of my few best friends. she has helped me through hard times and i hav helped her. we get along great and we have fun hangin out to. i hope me and her are life long friends. lylas gina..."

What happened to that?
Have I really just been this oblivious to all the changes?
Maybe we were best friends at one point in time, but people change.

You sure did.

And I was too blinded to notice. I can't believe its taken until now for me to see. You call yourself a christian and you don't even have a heart for God. You played lust in the skit but was it really an act? I don't think so. You didn't have to try at all. LUST. That's what you were. You tempted so many and made such empty promises. You picked them up to new heights and dropped them. [[Why did you never drop me?]] Do you ever think about this at all? Can you even begin to imagine the PAIN you put them through? Not to mention the psychological destruction it had on those young girl's minds.
WHY DID I LET MYSELF BE ONE OF THEM??

Respect. Its a word not found in your vocabulary now, is it?
Well it certainly isn't when you are with me. When I ask you to stop you push me harder. When I scream you smile. And then you try and be the "Protective Big Brother" by threatening to hurt someone I love? Guess what? HE NEVER HURT ME! AND HE NEVER WILL! If you want to punish someone for hurting your "Lil sis" go hurt yourself. You are the one who deserves it. You are the one who has caused me so much pain, worry, and despair. You think I'm exaggerating now don't you? Ha. I wish i was. I most certainly wish I was. I wish I could make all of it up. I wish it never happened. I wish the memories don't haunt me daily.
I wish you were still the boy you were in 6th grade. The one who sat next to me in Mrs. Block's math class and would pass me gum under the desk, after you told your friends you didn't have any. I wish we all had that child-like innocence again. I wish we could be best friends again. I wish we could go to church in Matt's car and you would give me a friendship bracelet that I would never take off. I wish we could make spaghetti and I wouldn't ruin the noodles this time. I wish afterward you would bake Christmas cookies with me and my mom and she would call you gay. And I wish we could stay up on the phone all night talking about God and life like we did.
But that's not going to happen.

Of all the many questions I have for you, this is the one bothering me the most. Why do you care?
Why didn't you care when Lakin's heart was broken. Why did you turn around and tell her "Jake never loved you anyways." when she was in so much pain?? Why didn't you give Jayne a shoulder to cry on when you saw her walking down the hallways crying? Why don't you care about your other friends when something is obviously wrong?
If you don't care about them, why do you care about me? Why does it bother you now? You had your chance--you had too many chances, and you never to any of them! So why do you care now? I know. Its because you are a controller.
That's all that you want. You had your way with me and now you don't want anyone else to have me. You want to control everything I do. You want to control my life.
Well guess what? That isn't going to happen. I am independent. I don't need you nor do I want you. You can get out of my life. There isn't a place for you here anymore.
Goodbye old friend.
2/24/10

I hate how the end of that came out. I wrote so much more too it yesterday and really got what I'm feeling and what I meant to say out there. I would have posted that but blogger deleted my last big chunk when I went to preview it.

I just don't know.
And I can't get it all out.