Dear Friend,

I knew the pain would have to come out sometime. I knew I'd have to let it go.

I don't understand how I let this happen. Control. I let mine slip.
I tried to control it all---I really did--but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I always tried to be in control of what was going on. I hated the feeling of slipping, even though it was always there. I guess they were right. The cutting was a control thing. I wanted something in my life I could have complete control over.

How did I not realize my mind was so corrupt? How did no one else see? And if they did, why didn't they point it out?

I honestly believed I had a lifelong friend. You said yourself, "She is one of my few best friends. she has helped me through hard times and i hav helped her. we get along great and we have fun hangin out to. i hope me and her are life long friends. lylas gina..."

What happened to that?
Have I really just been this oblivious to all the changes?
Maybe we were best friends at one point in time, but people change.

You sure did.

And I was too blinded to notice. I can't believe its taken until now for me to see. You call yourself a christian and you don't even have a heart for God. You played lust in the skit but was it really an act? I don't think so. You didn't have to try at all. LUST. That's what you were. You tempted so many and made such empty promises. You picked them up to new heights and dropped them. [[Why did you never drop me?]] Do you ever think about this at all? Can you even begin to imagine the PAIN you put them through? Not to mention the psychological destruction it had on those young girl's minds.
WHY DID I LET MYSELF BE ONE OF THEM??

Respect. Its a word not found in your vocabulary now, is it?
Well it certainly isn't when you are with me. When I ask you to stop you push me harder. When I scream you smile. And then you try and be the "Protective Big Brother" by threatening to hurt someone I love? Guess what? HE NEVER HURT ME! AND HE NEVER WILL! If you want to punish someone for hurting your "Lil sis" go hurt yourself. You are the one who deserves it. You are the one who has caused me so much pain, worry, and despair. You think I'm exaggerating now don't you? Ha. I wish i was. I most certainly wish I was. I wish I could make all of it up. I wish it never happened. I wish the memories don't haunt me daily.
I wish you were still the boy you were in 6th grade. The one who sat next to me in Mrs. Block's math class and would pass me gum under the desk, after you told your friends you didn't have any. I wish we all had that child-like innocence again. I wish we could be best friends again. I wish we could go to church in Matt's car and you would give me a friendship bracelet that I would never take off. I wish we could make spaghetti and I wouldn't ruin the noodles this time. I wish afterward you would bake Christmas cookies with me and my mom and she would call you gay. And I wish we could stay up on the phone all night talking about God and life like we did.
But that's not going to happen.

Of all the many questions I have for you, this is the one bothering me the most. Why do you care?
Why didn't you care when Lakin's heart was broken. Why did you turn around and tell her "Jake never loved you anyways." when she was in so much pain?? Why didn't you give Jayne a shoulder to cry on when you saw her walking down the hallways crying? Why don't you care about your other friends when something is obviously wrong?
If you don't care about them, why do you care about me? Why does it bother you now? You had your chance--you had too many chances, and you never to any of them! So why do you care now? I know. Its because you are a controller.
That's all that you want. You had your way with me and now you don't want anyone else to have me. You want to control everything I do. You want to control my life.
Well guess what? That isn't going to happen. I am independent. I don't need you nor do I want you. You can get out of my life. There isn't a place for you here anymore.
Goodbye old friend.
2/24/10

I hate how the end of that came out. I wrote so much more too it yesterday and really got what I'm feeling and what I meant to say out there. I would have posted that but blogger deleted my last big chunk when I went to preview it.

I just don't know.
And I can't get it all out.