I've lost control.

After 24 hours I had not had anything to eat or drink but a half a glass of water this morning. When dinner rolled around today I tried my best to avoid it. Not because I'm trying to starve myself or anything, I'm just not hungry. Far from it. I'm certain I'll puke if I eat. I finally was forced to eat a taco. That was a bad move. My stomach is wrenching right now.

I didn't think I could hurt to the point that I wouldn't stop crying. Or that crying to such an extent would make my nauseous. Since when was it possible for the human body to hurt so much? I feel like I'm going to pass out from exhaustion but I can't sleep. Every little fiber of me is ready to pass out. Its strange, how after only one day I feel like a zombie. Inside, I'm a cold empty cavern. Its like my heart got ripped out and replaced with a snowball.

Fuck.
I really have no talent at writing.
At least not now.
But I have to do something to distract myself.
Being alone is scarier that I ever thought it could be.


"I still love you. Just not in the same way. I loved you so much. I really did. I'm sorry."

***And you don't wanna look much closer.

I don't think you realize how much of an intricate part in my life you have become. When I said you were my world, I meant it. One year, three weeks, and one day is more than enough time for someone to wiggle their way deep into your life. You can't just be wrenched out. It isn't going to work that way. I couldn't even cry in peace today. Every where I looked there was something that made me think of you. The paper flower and "stuffed animal" (i.e. dog toy) on my book shelf. The charm you got me for our one year on my window sill. The last rose of the trio still in the vase on my dresser. And just yesterday I put together a collage for my wall along my bed. Many of the pictures in it are of you and me. I didn't clean up so there were pictures scattered all over of us. I couldn't escape it. I felt suffocated by the immensity of it. How the hell am I supposed to wake up in the morning knowing your not mine? What do I do with the accumulation of items and photos? How do I bar myself from the memories?



How do I stop crying?



I'm a wreck with out you. I don't understand how I can even go through the day tomorrow. Whats going to happen if I don't get you back? I can't see a future for me without you. I've lost so many friends from spending all of my time with you. And the ones I still have are your friends too. How is this going to work without being awkward? Because I'm not loosing them too. I refuse.



I never believed I could feel so completely broken.
I can't be fixed.

***So you say the present's just a pleasant inturruption to the past.

You know, I saw this coming?
I've known, for a while.
I know we haven't been the same.
And not even recently.
Post band camp probably.
Last night, I was afraid.
I don't even know why.
I had no reason to think it would be over.
So I fleetingly tried to salvage things.
"Just sayin, I love you! Sweetdreams my love."
I didn't expect a reply.
And I didn't get one.
When you tried talking,
but the words didn't come,
I knew exactly what you were going to say.
I tried.
and I failed.
I know I don't deserve a second chance,
But I'm asking for one anyways.
Please understand,
I need you.

***And you don't want to be here in the future.

-May-ish 2009

See?
See her?
She looks like an ordinary girl.
Look closer.
See her world?

See the way she screamed and cried?
See how she's dying on the inside?

She thinks her life means nothing-
It wont matter when she's gone.
She'll do the world a favor,
Silencing her voice everlong.

See the bruises she tried to hide?
See the cuts---attempts at suicide?

She begins to see the light,
Knowing she has to be strong.
But its just to difficult,
She has been hurting far too long.

------

Well I'm glad that time in my life is over. That was written the end of my 8th grade year, shortly after I tried to kill myself. This is all I could really do for this lyric.

***I didn't think so.

I didn't think.
I jumped head first.
I went in blind-
Nothing rehearsed.

I thought you loved me.
I thought you cared.
We got too close-
The passion flared.

Better friends than lovers.
Reality over-glossed.
I cried you goodbyes-
As our paths uncrossed.



I didn't think I'd ever feel like you didn't care about me. I thought you'd always be there, but I was very wrong. Wasn't I?

***No. Could you let me go?

Dear Daddy,
I wish we were so much closer. I'm sorry that I've grown up, and things have gotten complicated. I'm sorry I had to live up north, and we only got to see each other every other weekend for four years. It didn't seem like a big deal back then. I regret it now. I wish we could have spent so much more time together. I'm so afraid our time will be cut short.
Daddy I'm scared. What if this medication switch doesn't fix it? What if you are still coughing? What if you have cancer from all of that asbestos exposure in the mill?
Why didn't they figure this out sooner? I've secretly been crying myself to sleep for months, terrified of the C-word. I know they gave you chest x-rays but it usually doesn't show up on those until its too late. The doctor said herself she wants you in for a cat-scan.
And the fact that you are turning 60 this year scares me even more. It never bothered me that you and mom were so much older than all of my friends parents, but now I realize the disadvantage. I understand now that I'll probably be robbed of precious years with you and mom that other children get to have. I know I have no room to talk, since you lost your parents at the age of 3, but I've taken you for granted way too much.

I want you to know that I love you, so much, even though I don't show it often.
I'll always be your little girl no matter what. I promise you that.

**You've got to get out. You can't stand to see me shaking.

---Note: I am sorry this is incredibly late. For the past three days I have been working non stop in my room painting, reorganizing, and the like.

I opened that box of notes.
A can of worms I should have never started.
My throat closed up,
My vision blurred,
And I all but froze,
As I read those dreaded passages.
Only a few lines from each one---
Just to make sure it wasn't worth keeping.

One by one I threw them away.
It was a eire mechanical movement.
Most of my mind was somewhere else,
wrenched back into a different time,
when the message was written.

The papers sometimes tore
from my shaking hands.
Bit by bit I threw away the past.
Whole notebooks.
Over a year worth of notes.
Drawings.
Poems.
Conversations.

This new room is more symbolic than I thought it could be.
A fresh start.
Forget the past.
(as much as you can)
Neglect is an art.

***And your restless. And I'm naked.

(Note: the irony of this stunned me. perfect timing for the title.)

It shouldn't have hurt that bad,
But it did.
I wanted tonight to be perfect.
No distractions,
only whispered gratification.
Skin on skin.
I wanted to feel loved again.
I wanted you to want me,
for all the right reasons,
and some of the wrong ones.
Right when the world started to melt away
and dissipate down to just me and you,
you had to say it.
You had to tell me
You don't want me anymore.
I know that's not your exact words.
But that's what it felt like.
I choked back the tears,
and whispered ok.
And continued on,
trying to salvage
bits and pieces
of what this night could have been.

I'm starving for your affection.

***Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover.

There is strength in solitude.
Tho some times I am so lonely,
it hurts to the core.
It makes me tougher.
Piece by piece,
I put myself together.
And even though some pieces are missing,
I'm almost whole.

I've accepted by now:
That I'll never be the same.
I'll never forget it.
I can't change the past.
But I'm ok with that.
(not really,
but I find consolation
in repeating those words)

I'm never going to wake up
to things being back
to how they should be.
But I'll fight through it.
I have to.
What else is left,
if I don't?

"I remain

Mistress of mine own self

and mine own soul."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Come on Gina, Get over it.

Staggared breathing.
You choke on oxygen.
Eyes moisten.
you push it back.
Stuff it down
into that overflowing
trash can
of unwanted feelings
and memories.

Fuck it.
Make it go away.
Now.
Please!
I'm begging you.

Get a grip on yourself.
Your spilling over the edges.
Come on now,
Its almost been a year.
Since you were *****.

You still can't fucking speak up can you? God damn I hate you. You as in me. Get the fuck over it. It has to remain a secret. You'll destroy yourself and the ones you love if you open your fat mouth. And you know what the worst part was? You fucking deserved it. Don't kid yourself.

***And you tell me that its over.

I dreamed-
no-
nightmared,
last night.

I heard those words
Come from your mouth.
You said "Its over."
My heart went south.

We both know its coming.
Tension in the air, I feel.
But we are ignoring it
Hoping silence will heal.

It needs to be said,
or worked out at least.
The flashbacks re-started,
my dark moods increased.

I'm falling back down
that endless abyss.
It chokes out my soul,
And I long for death's kiss.

Its partially my fault,
for all my secrets.
But my mouth is sewn shut
Blocking out those regrets.

(Please)
Wake me up my love,
When I begin to scream.
Take me out of this nightmare,
Back into your dream.

***Its always you in my big dreams.

Scenarios. Hundreds of them. I thought it all out. This day was going to be perfect. I was hoping, against hope, you would do something I didn't see coming. Something cute, touching, charming. I dreamt we would spend the entire day together. Morning till night. You would hold me and whisper into my ear how you feel about me. We'd fall asleep for a couple hours in each others arms. Maybe watch a movie or two. We'd just be together, feeding off each others presence.

But dreaming is for sleeping. And reality is for being awake. The reality that this isn't perfect---not even close. The reality that we could hardly spend a couple hours together on our one year. The reality that you would rather invite Lakin and Brandon over than be alone with me.

The reality that we just don't work together.

As much as I want to, and as much as I can dream about it, I don't see us going further. Maybe we'll be together for a long time to come. Its possible we could last this whole year. But I don't see us advancing. I think you've reached your stopping point. I don't think you can grow with me more. As well as I don't think you could love me further.

I love you and I will wait. I will be patient and stand by you forever. I have no problem with waiting for you to mature. But if you aren't going to, if this is it, I need to know. Not a second waiting would be wasted if there is a future for us, but if there isn't... Well then I don't think I can dream much longer.

***But I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams.

Its like a wave crashed over me. My feet are rooted to the sand but the watter is pulling me forward. I can't move though. Its just tugging at me. Then the undertow draws it back, pulling me in another direction.
That's how I feel right now. This college stuff is too much to take in. I don't want to think about it right now. Kathy, you are doing too much. Setting me up to shadow Mel at NASA? That's unreal. Awesome. But unreal. I appreciate it, I really do. I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
Everyone needs to take a step back from me. I can't handle every one's dreams of me being a surgeon or a lawyer being shoved down my throat anymore. I'm going to follow my own dreams. Not yours. Leave me out of your thoughts for now.

***And I don't understand all the things you've seen.

It has been far too long since we have hung out. What happened? We were inseparable as kids. More like brother and sister than cousins. It seems when I lived three hours away we saw each other a hundred times more often than we do now, when I'm practically right down the street. Two years without seeing each other hasn't made it easy. You've changed. Grown up. And I don't like it. I know I have also, but its hard to accept. What happened to the days of us sitting in Aunt Barb's living room eating happy meals and whining that we both got girl toys?
I actually saw that picture when we were unpacking. My eyes watered. Uncle Mike was the glue that held this family together, wasn't he? Now we've all taken our separate paths. Seen new things. Had new experiences. It's shaped us all differently. I hate to say it but I don't feel like we are a family anymore. Just a group of people forced to be civil with each other.

What made you change from that little boy? The one in the spider man suit. The one who wanted us to become famous salsa dancers? Now it's screamo music and silence. Dyed hair and a car to go wherever you want. I missed something important.

Pick me up next time you go for a drive. Lets order two happy meals and talk about the past. Then we'll get everyone together once more. Lets be a family again.

***When the lights are turned down low.

We become one.
A soft embrace in a chilling tempest.
All else fades away.
You are mine.
all mine.
And I'm yours.
Every fiber of my being
is yours.
I feel the concaves and ridges
of your body.
You caress my shoulders
and all the tension melts away.

As close to perfection
as one can be.
In this moment,
You and me.

***I can't imagine all the people that you know, or the places that you go.

Strawberry blonde curls frame your face. Messy ringlets cascade over your shoulders. They pool around a lackluster orange knit hat. Your muted beauty is a perfect match to the mellowed out vibes of the Kaya Coffee House. Its like its atmosphere has shaped your being---or did you shape the aura of this place? The freckles on your face are abstractly artistic. Your cloudy green eyes have seen just about everything, haven't they?



I want to start a conversation with you---get to know you and your story. I say hello but I can tell I sound like an outsider to you. A silly little teen who doesn't know who or what she is talking to or about. "Do you have any, uhm, specialty lattes?" I ask in a fleeting attempt to start a discussion.



"Yeah, right there." You wave unmindfully at the black-board menu behind you. I blush, embarrassed. You probably think I'm stupid. I already saw the menu, and I read it through. I was just hoping for some input from you. I proceed to order a Love Potion #9. You make change without giving me a second glance. I sip my latte and you go outside for a smoke.



The walls are clothed in art, yet somehow it isn't cluttered. I read a newspaper cutout about you. You make backpacks and for each one you sell, you give one away to a child in need. That makes me smile. People helping people. I read some poems on the walls. One is about the Kaya itself. "I walk the grass and avoid the sidewalk."



The bus honks outside to signal the students to load up. My time here is done. All too soon. Hopefully I'll return within the year to walk among the grass with you.

A breath of wind.

Your lips are a whispered wind caressing my cheek. A soft breeze or a violent gale, it can change in an instant. Tempting. Coaxing. Blowing me in different directions and then switching abruptly. I stumble keeping up, blown in circles from a perfect tornado. I create my own storm. Pushing back. Probing for the responses I want. Sometimes our breaths coalesce and become one air mass of its own. Keeping perfect time with the currents in our stratosphere.



And other times the silence from our mouths clashes and creates a frightening tempest. Caught off balance I am ripped from your arms. The whirlwind throws us every which way-closer and apart-but we remain silent. Closed lipped and bearing fake smiles. The strength of the wind behind our lips will only grow in intensity. We can't keep on like this or we will be blown apart forever. But my greatest fear is to open my mouth, for that would unleash the full blast of this gale. Now after waiting so long will we be able to withstand its hurricane strength force? I know that tempest will be abrupt and when it is over all will be calm. But what if you are blown away? I don't think I will be able to keep even the slightest breeze in my lips after that.

Konstantine Challenge

So it seems, I cannot get this song out of my head. Every time I listen to it I find more meaning behind it. No matter what situation I am in there is always a lyric that fits perfectly into that moment. I've chosen to work this to my advantage. Starting from the beginning of the song, I am going to use each line as a title for a blog. Now obviously I am not going to make 15 separate blogs for "Did you know I missed you?". If a line is repeated it only gets one post. That goes for the chorus too. I will only make additional posts for the chorus when it changes slightly. Also, titles may include more than one line if they go directly together. Its mostly common sense.
Rules?

• The blog must relate in someway to the title, whether it be a poem, journal, short-story, or photo blog. Fiction or Non-fiction. (I have a feeling most of these posts will be non-fiction, story-of-my-life kind of things. As usual.)
• No more than 48 hours may pass between posts
• More than one post can go up in a day
• Non "Konstantine Challenge" related blogs may also be posted during the duration of this challenge.
• "Konstantine Challenge" posts will be distinguished by a "*" prior to the title.
• I begin tomorrow.

Wish me luck. This will be the fist blog-challenge I've ever done. And I don't think I've ever posted more than 10 blogs in one month. This could be interesting...

No, this WILL be interesting.

***Konstantine-Something Corporate***