"And live with what I did to you. All the hell I put you through."

I'm so happy you're alive.
I don't mean to make it sound bad.
But I was worried.
More worried than I think I'd ever been.
You scared me.
Tomorrow we need to talk,
long and hard.
I can't keep your secrets anymore,
if you are going to get hurt.
Saturday was enough.
I couldn't handle another time.
Especially so close.
And I'm sure your body couldn't handle it either.
Hand over the bottles.
This has to stop.
Before I lose you.

I hate my body.

What else is there to say?
Its completely inconvenient.
To small for everything.
I can't even be intimate with Jake
Because it hurts too much.

My hands are too small,
to keep a good grip
on rifle, sabre, or the like.
My feet are too tiny,
for any shoe I try on.

My legs are too short,
to be a beautiful model.
My arms are too awkward,
to be comfortable without sleves.

But I'm going to try
and not let it bug me as much.
Lets stop staring in the mirror,
and weighing yourself everyday,
Because it doesn't matter.

Self, I love you sometimes.

You wink, it's good-bye,

You push me away,
And then pull me back
Only half as far.
I tried to be the glue
But I'm unsticking
and slipping
Losing grip
On this distorted reality
Perfectly twisted.
Patiently painful.
Lets test our limits,
and run for the sky.
Then we'll see what's left.

Grasp it with your all. Don't let go.

Yesterday you asked what I want to do.

Do? I said. Like after highschool?

Yeah.

Well my parents want me to be a doctor or a lawyer.

Does that intrest you?

Not at all.

Oh. You sighed.

They say if I do anything else its a waste of tallent.

Well what do you really want to do?

I want to travel I said.

Travel the world.

Meet interesting people.

Learn their stories.

Photograph them and their culture.

Share it.

Its all about expreience.

You know?

You smiled.

Excitement washed over you.

I was reminded of a little kid,

who just opened a christmas present.

We will. You said.

You, me, Jenna, after senior year.

We'll travel the world.

Write a book!

The hope you emited was pure.

Nothing could shatter that firm belief

of the future you held.

I tried with all my strength to grab it.

Capture that hope and never let go.

I wanted to believe as much as you did.

Its possible.

Yes. Believe it.

New beginings.

Hope starts today.

Corsage and Boutonniere

Its between white roses and white orchids. Lets compare.

White Rose

innocence and purity
early on, symbolised true love (now the red rose)
now symbolise young love
secrecy
often depicted stained by blood or made to blush from a kiss
honnor and reverance
rosebuds represent being "too young for love"

White Orchid
purity
love, respect, adortion
delicate beauty

I think I'm going with the white rose.

"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away..."

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises to external passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident...."
-Captain Corelli's Mandolin6 "Love is the beauty of the soul."
-St. Augustine

I read this.

And cried.

Its spot on.

And beautiful.

End of story.

Ultimatum

Tomorrow I'll give him an ultimatum.

Final

Peremptory

Demand.

Take it or leave it,

It's his choice.

(God I hope he takes it.)

This saturday I could be dancing alone.

Or I could have a magical evening,

with the boy I love.

Why can't a good thing last?

This summer we were so perfect.

Match for match just love.

A gravitational need to be in eachother's arms.

Today he could ignore me without a second thought.

He used to see the minute expressions,

that most don't pick up on.

But now when the pain is stark on my face

He seems blind to it.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Don't forget that.

No matter what happens.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you enough to overcome most of the pain.

And the saddest part is that I don't get that sick feeling anymore when I think there's a 1% chance this could be the end.
And the chance is much grater now.
40% at the least.
I love you so much I can't put it into words.
It's an intensity I've never felt before.
But I am so sick of being treated this way.
Katie and Exner can get compliments and your arm around them but I can't?
Dont. Tell me. You. Were just. Joking.
I've had enough.
And I love you and I want to stay with you.
Put I can't put myself through this if you don't make an effort.
Lets see what happens tonight.
Then I'll decide.

Unfulfilled.

Today was wonderful. You picked me up inside and took a big weight off my heart. I've missed cuddling with you. When your arms are around me I feel so much safer. I feel like everything can work out and there is no reason for me to worry. I see the Jake I fell in love with, not the Jake I argue with. I just want to stay there forever, where the everything is perfect for a few moments. I want to stare into your eyes and tell you that I love you. And I did. You response wasn't perfect, but what is? I love you.

The only problem with spending time like we did today is that its too good. I don't want to give it up. I don't allow myself to bring up what I've been meaning to talk with you about for so long. Even though I know that right then, we both let our guard down, and I could really speak to you and make you understand where I'm coming from. But I feel like those moments are a fragile pice of glass. If I open my mouth it will shatter into a million pices and I wont be able to put it back together. I'll just have to wait for the next glass-moment to come along. And what if it doesn't? So I push the important issues to the back of my mind and lose myself in your presence for awhile.

When I have to leave, all too soon, I'm still floating on air. For the rest of the day I should be happy. And I am. Although I feel unfulfilled. I know I should have talked to you and I'm beating myself up for not doing it. Now I'm just going to put it on the back-burner and wait for another oportunity. And sadly, I know when that time comes around I'll just ignore it again.

Its my fault. I have to learn to speak my mind. And soon.