Few complex problems have simple solutions.

One Guarantee in Life.

change
new order
fresh paint
metaphorical
new beginnings
fresh start
break-ups
and
broken hearts
Welcomed change.
"Come, take me away.
Erase the past.
Offer me new."
Change came.
i detested it.
"I still love you,
but you know,
as well as I,
we changed.
Good-bye."
Eagerly I call upon change
though I am wholly stubborn,
and refuse to accept it.

June Races

In 5th hour today
I was overcome by loneliness.
God I fucking miss you.
For some reason,
I was taken back to MIS.
The day we got home from band camp,
I was angry.
I looked my worst.
And I had a constant headache.
(Which lead to a never ending stream of complaints)
We had our first "big fight"
Because I was stupidly jealous
The dancing with Katie
and not me
had made me realize:
I had no monopoly on you.
As strongly as I longed to be the only one,
I knew we were too young.
The other girls are
taller,
prettier,
funnier,
happier.
Why wouldn't you want them?
Why the hell would you chose me?
You apologized,
gave me the excuses,
but then you looked me in the eye.
And told me that you loved me.
And no other girl would get in the way of that.
What a load of bull shit, eh?
But I didn't know that then.
You held me in your arms,
as we sat in your dads truck
long past "lights out"
You just held me.
You held me to you.
You held me together.
And I held on.
By the end of the weekend,
You had suggested inviting
me
back to the June Races.
Picking up trash,
Dumping out bottles of chew,
and showering in "Porta-Kleen's"
Couldn't turn me away.
I joked that I'd never come back,
But I accepted the challenge.
And there was no doubt in my mind
That I wouldn't be back in June-
Sweating under the hot sun
Pink burned cheeks
No make-up
Reaking of bug spray.
The thought never crossed my mind,
that you'd stop holding me,
long before June.
Long before we could sleep under the stars
On muggy summer nights.
And stare into each other's eyes
whispering sweet nothings.
That's exactly what they are
Sweet.
But nothing.
They have no meaning.
Because life is forever changing.
Nothing has permanence.
Somehow,
You can stop caring for someone
that you once loved.
You can let others get in the way,
when you promised they wouldn't.
You can forget me.
But I can't forget you.

***Please don't think that this was easy.

I closed my eyes, willing away the images,

as I told Nathan a segment of my darkest secret.

I let the words flow, without hindrance.

I allowed the emotions to race back into my mind.

Raw terror.

I stopped blocking it.

because I knew I was safe now.

He listened to every word.

That was the hardest thing I think I've done as of late.

Secrets I've kept for too long kept hurting me.

I felt an actual release when I said it out loud.

It made it real, but it made it over with.

My breathing came easier.

The darkness faded out.

I made my mouth form the words I had sworn to never say.

And even though it was only a small fraction of the big picture,

Those words made all the difference.

From now on, I choose speaking over silence.

No matter how hard it may be.

I promise, to tell someone the whole truth.

Someday.

***And If I hurt you, Then I'm sorry

And yes,
I am sorry.
For everything
And I mean it,
so deeply.
So completely.
Every snide comment.
Every time I changed who I was,
And i listened to other people,
who told me how to act.

That's no way to act.
A bitchy girlfriend.
"He treats you bad,
You need to sass"
Ha, what lies.
Why did I listen?
I'm so stupid.

You treated me like a person,
for the first time in my life,
I didn't feel like a "woman."
I felt entitled to an opinion.
Until I started to act like a "woman."
Deservedly you treated me worse.
And I complained,
acted out more.
So I broke that bond
the special one I had with you.
I knowingly tore us apart,
as I listened to the whispers
of other voices.
Instead of my own,
Which I practiced silencing far to often.

Stupid Girl.

You've ruined every good thing that has ever come into your life.
You know this right?
The relationships you stained with secrets.
The memories tainted in blood.
And it really is all your fault.
Saying otherwise would be listening to those others again.

Have you learned yet?
You're apologies mean nothing.
He learned that quickly.
Now stop being selfish,
No one is going to believe you
when you say you'll change,
So don't ever expect to get it back.

Stop being so selfish.
Stop causing people pain.
Stop,
Before I have to stop you myself.