Tumbling Blocks.

"Boum!" Cole demanded in his poorly enunciated baby-speak. I obliged, waking him over to the Lego's and large building blocks. He proceeded to hand them to me in chunks, sometimes three at a time and sometimes only one. I started the stack off and he fumbled around with the last few, insisting on finishing the tower himself. "Boum!" He repeated as he knocked down the house we built. It cascaded through the ground, scattering ever which way. When the clatter was over, a large portion of it was laying on its side, still intact.



I was suddenly struck so hard emotionally that I had to leave. I left Cole to my mother's care and walked upstairs to my room. There I sat in a small ball, pondering the recent events in my life.

---

Prior to West Bloomfield:



"You're skipping the wedding for MARCHING BAND?" My sister said incredulously.

"I can't let them down! Its a competition. We are one unit working together, you can't just take a piece out and expect it to run." I replied.

"Alright well sorry Aunt Kathy and Uncle Mike are gonna die soon. If I were you I'd be spending all the time I could with them." Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what she was saying. I knew they were getting old but death? No, that hadn't crossed my mind. Invincible Mike? Ha, fat chance of death getting his hands around him. And Dadia? She has too many people to take care of. She couldn't die.

Invincible Mike. Just like your other Uncle Mike, huh? You saw him die, and you still don't believe it can happen to someone else?

Sad realization quickly turned to anger. Who the hell was she to say such things? I had never know my sister to be so snide. Honest? Yes. Head-strong? Yes. Blunt? Oh hell yes. But never so insensitive.

--

I saw today's scene play out in my head like a movie.



"Code blue! Code blue!" The speakers blared with a scratchy female voice. Available doctors rushed into the OR, scrambling for information. A bad reaction to the anesthetics and medications caused Kathy to stop breathing, mid examination. The doctors milled about in controlled chaos. Gathering oxygen tanks, ventilators, antitoxins, and counteractants. Meanwhile her heart rate plummeted. The doctor providing CPR wiped sweat from his brow and continued pumping...



---



They worked their magic---or simply did their job---and kept her heart beating. Eventually they were able to take her off the ventilator and she could breathe on her own. When my mother told me that I had nearly lost my Aunt today, I immediately thought back to that short, painful conversation I had with Jenny. Nothing is as permanent as it seems.



Here we all are, skating on thin ice, and at any moment any one of us could break through.



Recently, I have learned my life is simply a block house. It can tumble over at anytime. I never know whether it will stay intact, or simply crumble beyond recognition. First there was Dad's lungs and the looming threat of cancer. Then the one constant in my life tore out his roots from my heart and left a gaping hole. And in a blink of an eye that bright eyed, curly haired boy I met this summer had his life cut off abruptly in a car crash. While today, my aunt came face to face with death and I had skipped spending precious moments with her for a competition we got a piss worthy score at anyways.



Certainly, my house of Lego's is in a state of topplement, and all I can do is hope it survives the fall.

***But damnit your so young. Well I don't think I care.

"He made the mistake,
that so many other guys have made.
He didn't talk to you about it.
He didn't think you would understand.
Which is dumb,
because you would have."
And of course I would have.
THIS IS HIGHSCHOOL!!!
Its for making mistakes,
Its for falling in love,
Its for getting your heart broken,
and its for learning how to deal with it.
You can't asume I hate you,
You can't asume I'm bitter.
I try my hardest to think
on a purely rational level.
Especially on issues,
where emotions would trip me up.
AND I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD!
No one,
especially a guy,
wants to find 'the one'
in highschool.
Thats way too young.
Dear god!
I'm only 15!
I feel like I've lived much longer,
but in reality,
I'm so young.
And you are too.
So I understand.
Can't we handle things maturely?
Please?
I have no hard feelings.
I'm thankful I got to have you for so long.
I'm happy for the memories I made.
I'm glad I gave my heart to you.
I'm glad you gave your heart to me.
"Check your back pocket."
"Nothing's there."
"I gave you my heart,
keep it safe."
I tried.
But somehow it escaped me.
If you love something, let it go.
If it returns, then its truely yours.
I'm letting you go.
With no regrets.
I hope you return,
but if you don't
its ok.
I'll be happy you're free.

Somewher deep down, I feel like I found the one for me. Though, rationally speaking, its probably just stupid teenage emotions. I cross my fingers, and hope you might someday feel that way too. But if not, for now, I'll try my best to always be happy for you. I love you.

***And there was hope in me that I could take you there.

I wanted to tell the stories,
tell the truth.
But sadly,
I can no longer discern which is which.
Truth or lie?
Does it really matter?
I try and focus on one cause,
But there were many intermingled,
and some of them I have forgotten.
All this time I've tried to forget,
And now I shoot for memories--
Not to reminisce,
But to teach from--
and they are blurred.
Perhaps this is a good thing,
for me,
but all I want is to help you.
I don't want to see
a repetition of what happened to me.
And I'm not talking about violence.
I'm talking about the emotional destruction,
the insecurity and paranoia.
That you may or may not recognize now,
but surely it will get to you.
I know you may feel
helpless, out of control, confused.
But you do have control.
Its hardest to grasp it,
because everything else is pushing it out.
Memories, thrill, hypersensitivity,
(to a particular person caused by the forbidden aspect of it)
But you do have it.
The hardest thing to do is the right thing.
If this means cutting all ties,
feigning hatred so he doesn't try to talk to you.
Do it.
It will hurt like a bitch.
The familiarity,
daily ritual,
will be interrupted.
But it has to be done.
The one who loves you most
has given you many second chances.
He is hoping against hope
That you will stop.
He cares for you,
much too deeply for his own good.
Loosing this will hurt infinitely more than loosing the other.
I know this is becoming poorly worded,
but listen to me,
please.
I am always here for you.
Day, night, and anytime in between.
Replace your chats with him,
with chats with me.
I'll do everything in my power,
and beyond,
to help you in any way you need.
I am devoted,
100%,
to you.
My friend,
My secret bearer,
My Aries sister.
Keep in mind:
"I remain
Mistress of mine own self
and mine own soul."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

thought of the day.

"When you get caught in a rip tide, you don't swim against the current. You go with it so you don't wear yourself out and drown. Life is a rip tide. I chose to drown."

***Maybe cross the country, become a rock star.

THIS IS A MESS. DON'T READ IT.

I push through the dark thick fog, or murky water (not sure which.), and i clear away a small space. To see through for an instant. Hope. A future? I doubted it was ever there. But i see glimpses and moments. And the veil of intuition chokes out the color, and i shiver. "Haha." i laugh aloud. "There isn't a future. You know as well as I do." i speak to the ghosts of my past, and the silent lingerings of thoughts. You were born into tragedy. Loss personified. Kiss the hardened asphalt and cry to someone who cares. But don't dare waste your time on that. You knew as a child, they would all fade away. You knew the misfortune, and the fakeness of "reality". Now you live it day by day. Seeing things before they happen, but that isn't future, for a future should be looked forward too, and this is certainly not. But it cannot change. Intuition only lets you listen in to the darkness. And the light you are blind to, until its gone.
Dreams are lies, which i must not tell.
(For I've told to many already, to dicern the truth.)


I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THIS.

First thing in the morning. (Playing along.)

First thing in the morning,
I pull the covers tighter.
I suck in a big gulp of air.
And I hold my breath.
I think to myself,
"You're alive.
You made it through another night,
that you should have died during.
Time to brave the day.
And die tomorrow night,
again."
By then I'm dizzy.
And my lungs scream.
And I smile,
for I have some control.
And then I exhale,
and inhale.
Stale air.
And emptiness.

What do you do before you go to bed?

***I had these dreams in them I learned to play guitar.

Bold.

You can't be anything less.

And last night,

I dreamed I was.

I needed you.

I pulled you aside,

at musical practice,

"What?"

You asked.

I wrapped my arms around you.

Holding you tight.

Breathing in your scent.

Ungaro, with something else.

Gamey and musky.

Slightly sweet.

Intoxicating.

After what seemed like a blissful forever,

but was probably only seconds.

I loosened my grip.

"That's all I needed."

I lied.

I turned around.

walked back to practice

You followed.

We were talking,

in a group.

With Christie

(funny how dreams are),

and a few others.

We stood side by side

And I felt impulsive.

So I turned and kissed you,

right there in front of everyone.

Your lips were warm and familiar.

I didn't want to give them back up.

But I did,

quickly,

leaving you hungry for more.

But you acted like you didn't care.

I needed a ride home from you,

and your dad came late.

You slipped your arm around my waist,

as we waited alone.

You kissed me like the world was ending,

and I was all that could save it.

When you finally broke for air,

you leaned in

whispering into my hair

"God damnit. I've missed you."

You said between labored breaths.

"I haven't."

I replied,

lying again,

and walked away.

***But we don't have much room to live.

A snowflake fell from the sky.
Crystalline and unique.
Undisturbed it floated down.
Catching on my eyelash.

A chemical reaction-
a transfer of heat-
Created a perfect teardrop,
For your lips to meet.

(Kiss the tears away.
Don't we all deserve
a second chance?)

***And I'm sleeping in your living room.

"So you will know I'm thinking of you always
So you will know you're never alone

So you will know there will never be a time when
I sill stop missing you..."

-Julie Williams, Escaping Tornado Season

***And then you bring me home, Afraid to find out you're alone.

Pick up the pieces,

Hanging from a thread,

And put it back together,

At dangerous heights.

Unscramble the words,

So you forget to understand.

Promise not to look back,

When I run away.

Google Verb Meme.

I got this off the Vlogbrothers and I had to do it.

-----

GOOGLE MEME! Answer the following questions.

Q. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
"Gina needs to STFU about miscarriages!"

Q. Type in "[your name] looks like" in the Google search.
"Gina Carano says Tara LaRosa looks like a man."

Q. Type in "[your name] says" in the Google search.
"'Gina Says' is actually a book based of blog conversations.

Q. Type in "[your name] wants" in the Google search.
"Gina wants to look perfect in the mirror!"

Q. Type in "[your name] does" in the Google search.
"Gina does 18 flips and almost lands the last one!"

Q. Type in "[your name] hates" in the Google search.
"Gina Hates Me- on myspace music"

Q. Type in "[your name] asks" in the Google search.
"Gina asks 'WHY?'"

Q. Type in "[your name] likes" in the Google search.
"Gina likes to read or watch TV after work."

Q. Type in "[your name] eats" in the Google search.
"Gina eats Edmonton."

Q. Type in "[your name] wears" in the Google search.
"Every time Gina wears skinny jeans, God kills a kitten."

Q. Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in the Google search.
"Gina was arrested for donning 'demonic' clothing."

Q. Type in "[your name] loves" in the Google search.
"Gina loves Michel, Michel loves Gina-Journal"

----

Well nothing too exciting. The first was quite amusing though.

***Cuz you're afraid to find out all this hope that you had sent into the sky by now had crashed. And it did, because of me.

I made a paper bird.
With nurture she learned to Fly.
Her beauty was astounding.
But, Alas, it was Hunting Season.

Pierced by (my) Arrow or (your) Bullet?
We'll never know.
She Screeched,
instead of Singing,
as she fell to the Earth bellow.

I could try to save her.
And nurse her back to health.
But this situation surely required a team,
For a team we were no more.
And so She died.
As I did in Your arms.