Rose and Knife

She stood in a dark room, holding a rose blossom in one hand and a knife in the other. Her heart pounded as she looked at the objects.
"Choose." whispered a voice from the darkness. She rested her thoughts on the knife, for that was the path she had chose so many times before. The minutes ticked by as memories flooded her mind. The knife was danger, but it was solid. It would always be there. It was smooth , hard, and it drew her in like a drug. The pleasure of the knife was wild, but it would always be short-lived. Choosing the knife always brought much more pain then pleasure, yet it still drew her in.
She shifted her thoughts to the rose blossom. It was soft and beautiful, It was alive. she longed for the life the rose brought. There was no pain from the rose, and its petals only bore comfort. There were only two things that held her back from the rose. The lure of the knife and one small lingering thought. This thought creept in tho her mind. The rose will die. Eventually it would wilt. The petals would blacken and crumple. And then it would be gone, like dust in the wind.
"Chose." the whisper pressed.
"I can't..." she sobbed, falling to her knees. She cradled both the blossom and the knife in her arms, wanting them both---wishing for both---but knowing she could only have one.
Her hands shook as she held out the knife. Slowly, she laid it on the ground. She lifet her hand resting on it as she cried. Letting go seemed to take forever. With tears still running down her face, she stood up, cupping the blossom in her hands.
"I've made my choice."

~~~

The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Dear Friend,

I knew the pain would have to come out sometime. I knew I'd have to let it go.

I don't understand how I let this happen. Control. I let mine slip.
I tried to control it all---I really did--but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I always tried to be in control of what was going on. I hated the feeling of slipping, even though it was always there. I guess they were right. The cutting was a control thing. I wanted something in my life I could have complete control over.

How did I not realize my mind was so corrupt? How did no one else see? And if they did, why didn't they point it out?

I honestly believed I had a lifelong friend. You said yourself, "She is one of my few best friends. she has helped me through hard times and i hav helped her. we get along great and we have fun hangin out to. i hope me and her are life long friends. lylas gina..."

What happened to that?
Have I really just been this oblivious to all the changes?
Maybe we were best friends at one point in time, but people change.

You sure did.

And I was too blinded to notice. I can't believe its taken until now for me to see. You call yourself a christian and you don't even have a heart for God. You played lust in the skit but was it really an act? I don't think so. You didn't have to try at all. LUST. That's what you were. You tempted so many and made such empty promises. You picked them up to new heights and dropped them. [[Why did you never drop me?]] Do you ever think about this at all? Can you even begin to imagine the PAIN you put them through? Not to mention the psychological destruction it had on those young girl's minds.
WHY DID I LET MYSELF BE ONE OF THEM??

Respect. Its a word not found in your vocabulary now, is it?
Well it certainly isn't when you are with me. When I ask you to stop you push me harder. When I scream you smile. And then you try and be the "Protective Big Brother" by threatening to hurt someone I love? Guess what? HE NEVER HURT ME! AND HE NEVER WILL! If you want to punish someone for hurting your "Lil sis" go hurt yourself. You are the one who deserves it. You are the one who has caused me so much pain, worry, and despair. You think I'm exaggerating now don't you? Ha. I wish i was. I most certainly wish I was. I wish I could make all of it up. I wish it never happened. I wish the memories don't haunt me daily.
I wish you were still the boy you were in 6th grade. The one who sat next to me in Mrs. Block's math class and would pass me gum under the desk, after you told your friends you didn't have any. I wish we all had that child-like innocence again. I wish we could be best friends again. I wish we could go to church in Matt's car and you would give me a friendship bracelet that I would never take off. I wish we could make spaghetti and I wouldn't ruin the noodles this time. I wish afterward you would bake Christmas cookies with me and my mom and she would call you gay. And I wish we could stay up on the phone all night talking about God and life like we did.
But that's not going to happen.

Of all the many questions I have for you, this is the one bothering me the most. Why do you care?
Why didn't you care when Lakin's heart was broken. Why did you turn around and tell her "Jake never loved you anyways." when she was in so much pain?? Why didn't you give Jayne a shoulder to cry on when you saw her walking down the hallways crying? Why don't you care about your other friends when something is obviously wrong?
If you don't care about them, why do you care about me? Why does it bother you now? You had your chance--you had too many chances, and you never to any of them! So why do you care now? I know. Its because you are a controller.
That's all that you want. You had your way with me and now you don't want anyone else to have me. You want to control everything I do. You want to control my life.
Well guess what? That isn't going to happen. I am independent. I don't need you nor do I want you. You can get out of my life. There isn't a place for you here anymore.
Goodbye old friend.
2/24/10

I hate how the end of that came out. I wrote so much more too it yesterday and really got what I'm feeling and what I meant to say out there. I would have posted that but blogger deleted my last big chunk when I went to preview it.

I just don't know.
And I can't get it all out.

Good Night, Sweetdreams.

Laying there, in my bed, I was freezing. It had to have been atleast 70 degrees in my room, but that would not shake the chill that had overcame me. I layed on top of my blanket, in a tight ball. I didn't have the energy, nor the will power to go beneath the covers. Perhaps I would have been warmer, but I doubt it. My body was simply not producing heat, or any other form of energy for that matter. Jumbled thoughts flooded my mind, but I couldn't concentrate enough to separate the strings words into something coherent. I only caught small fragments of my mind-chatter (but I honestly wasn't bothering to try), as I stared at the walls of my room. It became increasingly darker. Light drained from my bedroom slowly, although it didn't seem as though I had been laying there that many hours. Soon, the only light was from the street lamp outside my window and my alarm clock.
"Are you going to eat anything?" My mother shouted from the kitchen. "No." I thought. I was going to lay there, just lay there, as long as I possibly could. If I could stay there forever, and just watch the lighting of my room dim and grow, I would have. Every fiber in my body was telling me it would be better for me to lie there and waste away.
"Get down here now and eat something!" She demanded after no reply from me. Slowly and reluctantly I hauled my self up. My phone was blinking its little read light that meant I had a message. I picked it up, remembering I had been texting Jake, Liv, and Emily before I zoned out. Jake's last text read:

"=( ily it'll be ok"

My mind was fuzzy and I didn't understand what the message meant. I read back, over the messages before I had disappeared into a daze. I had told Jake how awful I felt. How I wanted to curl up in a hole and die. How I felt cold and as though I was about to vomit thought the majority of the day. How I was finally happy, really truly happy for almost a whole week and how it all came crashing down on me suddenly. None of this quite registered with me. I was numb to the world. I send Jake a short text, only reading his name and a question mark. When he replied I would tell him that I loved him. At that moment the only thought I could process well was telling me I needed to let Jake know I loved him. A whisper trailed behind that thought saying "Just in case something happens to you, he'll know you love him..."
I didn't grasp the maliciousness of that thought. It just lingered, welcomingly, as I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. I made a plate and sat down, staring into space. My mother told me to eat, so I did. I still don't quite know what I had for dinner. Everything tasted the same. It was all absolutely plain with relatively similar textures. I picked apart the food with my fork. My mother told me to cut it and set a serrated blade---one a set we bought from Ikea last year---on my plate. For some ungodly reason, I knew that blade. Out of it's several other identical siblings, I knew that blade.
I shuddered and washed my food down with some liquid (I believe that was milk). After retiring my dishes to the dishwasher, I sat down at my computer. I let my fingers tell today's story, typing it without much thought on my part. The words flowed like rushing water on to the computer screen. Presently, I sit here. Mind awakening bit by bit. Piecing together the today. Not quite understanding what happened. I only remember fragments---a sickly feeling lingering throughout the day, snow, blankets, music, sobbing, apologizing. Maybe I'll be able to sort out how much is just in my mind and how much is reality after some sleep.
Good night, sweet dreams.