A Broken Vow

Tomorrow I want to tell him.
Will I though? Probably not.
I honestly don't want to ever tell him.
I don't want him to see me differently.
i'm so selfish.
he says he'll be understanding;
he says nothing will change.
but I know it will.
No matter how hard he tries,
he will be left with an altered judgement of me.
maybe that is for the better.
maybe that will knock me down
off the pedestal i'm on in his mind.
maybe he will be safer;
maybe he'll guard his heart from me.
these are all potentially good outcomes.
but i'm too selfish,
and i don't want that.
I want things to stay how they are.
i want him to be naive and innocent forever.
i never want to reveal my daemons to him---
or anyone for that matter.
i went so long without saying a word
(A YEAR AND A HALF!)
that they almost faded from memory-
during the day.
almost.
but not at night.
the ghosts and nightmares still haunted my sleep.
still do,
but rarely now.
after i told jenna,
much of the guilt was lifted.
confession professed,
i pondered telling more.
perhaps if everyone knew there would be no guilt.
and then i remembered.
i broke a heart.
maybe it was not a conscious awareness,
but his intuition saw me for what i was---
a blood sucking succubus.
and i can't have you believing that.
though it is true,
and you would be safer without me,
i want to keep you all to myself.
terrance,
one day i'm going to hurt you.
bad.
i'm going to break your big, fragile heart.
i don't know when.
i don't know how.
i don't know where.
but is going to happen,
and you are going to leave me.
because i don't deserve someone like you.
pure and perfect.
brimming with childish innocence.
"you are still mysterious to me.
you still have your hidden skeletons."
if only you didn't know there were skeletons.
i don't want you to know the real me.






almost two years ago to the date i took a vow of silence concerning certain events.
i broke it already, but have not shattered it.
i am now preparing to recount those memories in full fledged detail.