Why is it that we all need to be loved, but when somebody finally says, "I love you," people just run scared?

Because we feel obligated to say it back, and that is scary—-even if we love that person. Because saying “I love you” makes it a real, tangible thing. It takes something so incredibly incomprehensible and forces you to acknowledge it. And by acknowledging it you accept the fact that loving that person—-inviting them into the deepest recesses of your heart—-gives them power. Power to destroy you, to break your heart and shatter your happiness. Power to tear you up, from the inside out, and to destroy your trust, faith, and hope. Or power to make you feel better than you ever have, to help you, fix you, make you better. Power to love you back and to create something impossibly beautiful among the chaos. And that is downright terrifying.

I can't. I really can't anymore,

I wanted you to be part of my family,
I've put up with your bull shit for two weeks.
I listened to you bitch about every little thing,
and I bit my tongue.
but I CAN NOT deal with it anymore.
You DON'T hurt my best friend like that.
I don't give a fuck if she is your ex girlfriend or not,
you have NO right.
I know you say shit out of anger,
stuff you really don't mean,
But a waste of time?
Fuck you, ok?
Fuck.
You.
She deserves so much better.

Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?

I didn't mean to call you that.

Panicking. Heart pounding.
Wildly screaming out to you
with my eyes; searching
for a release.
Caught in my throat.
Bile rising.
Threatening.
Choking me out.
Someone help,
dislodge the lump,
the wadded mess,
grotesque budge,
of words I swallowed back
suffocated on.

To whom it may concern

I just want you to be happy.
You.
You.
and You too.
All of you.
Some of you might not deserve it in the eyes of others, but I think everyone deserves to be happy. No one deserves to have their heart pulled and tugged in every direction, irreparably torn and pinched to death. Everyone deserves happiness, someone to lean on, a second chance.
If you don't make a decision, you'll never know what you could have had. You are going to regret what you didn't do at the end of your life, rather than what you did wrong.
If you don't take a step back and breathe, you are going to confuse your heart. You know that isn't going to get you anywhere.
If you don't realize that your actions can build or destroy the ones you love, you are going to hurt someone. Bad. And that someone might never come back.
If you don't open your mouth, you are going to be eaten alive by the things you never said. The help you never asked for. The guilt you never confessed.
You are a valuable person. And I love you. I always will.
Please, be happy soon.
Love,
A person that cares.
The girl that loves you.
Your family.


P.S.
I sick of seeing everyone so broken.

Hypnosis

Real.
This is all real.
"It's really real."
Your hands caressed my skin
I breathed you in
This is real.
Our eyes locked
My heart slowed
This is real.
Force of the fact
knocked me off my feet,
knocked me out.
pushed me into an altered state
of consciousness. a different awareness.
seeing you for the first time.
opening up new eyes.
This is real.
you joined me under the spell.
"Holy shit.
This is real."
I'm fairly certain that time stopped moving.
The rest of the world ceased existing.
This is real.
"Its like I'm seeing you for the first time.
You are so beautiful."
Seconds slowed to a crawl.
I stopped breathing.
overwhelming
overpowering
an intense expression of emotion
i couldn't previously imagine.
In that moment,
I fell deeper in love with you.
This is real.

A Broken Vow

Tomorrow I want to tell him.
Will I though? Probably not.
I honestly don't want to ever tell him.
I don't want him to see me differently.
i'm so selfish.
he says he'll be understanding;
he says nothing will change.
but I know it will.
No matter how hard he tries,
he will be left with an altered judgement of me.
maybe that is for the better.
maybe that will knock me down
off the pedestal i'm on in his mind.
maybe he will be safer;
maybe he'll guard his heart from me.
these are all potentially good outcomes.
but i'm too selfish,
and i don't want that.
I want things to stay how they are.
i want him to be naive and innocent forever.
i never want to reveal my daemons to him---
or anyone for that matter.
i went so long without saying a word
(A YEAR AND A HALF!)
that they almost faded from memory-
during the day.
almost.
but not at night.
the ghosts and nightmares still haunted my sleep.
still do,
but rarely now.
after i told jenna,
much of the guilt was lifted.
confession professed,
i pondered telling more.
perhaps if everyone knew there would be no guilt.
and then i remembered.
i broke a heart.
maybe it was not a conscious awareness,
but his intuition saw me for what i was---
a blood sucking succubus.
and i can't have you believing that.
though it is true,
and you would be safer without me,
i want to keep you all to myself.
terrance,
one day i'm going to hurt you.
bad.
i'm going to break your big, fragile heart.
i don't know when.
i don't know how.
i don't know where.
but is going to happen,
and you are going to leave me.
because i don't deserve someone like you.
pure and perfect.
brimming with childish innocence.
"you are still mysterious to me.
you still have your hidden skeletons."
if only you didn't know there were skeletons.
i don't want you to know the real me.






almost two years ago to the date i took a vow of silence concerning certain events.
i broke it already, but have not shattered it.
i am now preparing to recount those memories in full fledged detail.

I'm tryinig to let you know that I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have


I wish it could be like that first night all the time.
I wish it would always be that novelty.
That lust
that need.

panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic.