I've been listening to too much music lately...

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best
---
The song comes on my Pandora,
Slow, sad, and full of emotion.
I can't help but think about you.
I had a simple dream last night
of you and i talking in the halls.
My head resting on your shoulder.
Hanging with our friends
and everything was right.
When I woke up I could have
sworn I felt your hand
resting on my side.
Unfortunately,
It was only a pillow.
Those little things are what I need.
I need to rest my head on someone,
and be held together when I'm losing it.
I need you to squeeze my hand
when I let my mind wander to far.
I need you where to keep me in check.
I can live without you,
but without you I'll be miserable at best.
---

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

While I'm at it, it might as well say this. I doubt you ever read this. You only read it once that I know of when we were together. What would make you look at it now? But anyways, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't have to voice to say it, and I'm to weak to actually be myself around you. What I'm apologizing for is my shell. I can't make it through the day without it but with it I'm so mean. And i hate it. I really do. Every second. I actually felt good when I said that shit to you earlier. I know it hurt (at least a little bit) but I felt accomplished for hurting you. Now I feel sick because that's not me! "Who I am hates who I've been." legit. It upsets me how nasty I've become and I case you ever read this, I'm truly sorry.

You are original. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful person.

Lets sail the seven seas and see what we sees

Me: I am NOT doing the fiction project. I have come to terms that it is just another project that I'll give up on, and I'm sick of giving up on things. I know that I'm just going to get excited for it the first couple days I have my book, and then I'll toss it in the corner and forget about it until the day before it is due. Then I'll rush through and I'll hate the finished project. Embarrassed with my work, I won't send it in and it will be a glorious waste of $25.
------
Abbey: Okay, first of all, I can't believe you gave up the Fiction Project for SUSHI. That is an abomination. And how is $25 dollars a glorious waste? Maybe it's a glorious waste for a ten year old, or a hobo in Detroit. But at some point or another you're going to have $25 dollars again, and you're going to have Sushi again. But one opportunity you're not going to have thrown at you every so often is the Fiction Project. I'm just saying, Gina, you're becoming way too ... intimidated by this. You know that someone out there is going to do it better than you, and you don't want that, so you're not going to stick to it. That's what you always do. If you're not the best, or in the running of being the best, you give up. Because if you can't reach perfection with what you're doing, you don't want to try at it at all. How is that any way to live? Maybe you should use this as a way to break free from that. Here is an opportunity before you, and no, you're not going to excel at it, but no one is asking you to excel at it. This is not a competition. You have to stop viewing everything as one. I can't persuade you into doing it, but I'm telling you, if you change your mind ... this would be good for you. AND YOU DO HAVE A LOT TO SAY YOU JUST THINK THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING TO SAY IT BETTER THAN YOU SO YOU'RE ACTING LIKE MOTHERFUCKING ARIEL LETTING YOUR VOICE SLIP AWAY AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT, DO YOU? SO SPEAK, JUST FUCKING SPEAK

Happiness In Ignorance

I wish I could go back,
Back before I knew better.
When fairies roamed the yard,
and every dew drop
was an Angle's tear---
crying over the beauty of life.
Back when I knew I was in trouble
if I was still at the park
and the streetlights flickered on.
And 'trouble' simply meant
"Next time you'll be grounded!"
And 'grounded' had no meaning.
When I'd run outside,
barefoot and screaming,
leaving the door wide open
everything behind me,
only to pick yellow weeds
and call them flowers.
When I'd play with the boys
and prove myself
as one of them.
Mud pies and Butterflies.
Simultaneously
Before there was a difference
between stories and lies
Before the line,
between reality and dreaming,
became tangible.
When catching minnows was a great adventure,
and the bad guys always lost the fights.
Before cap guns got replaced with the real thing.
When making a new friend
was as easy as saying,
"Hi! I'm Gina! Wanna play?"
When sleep came easily
after a long day of exploring.
And boys had cooties---
end story, end discussion.

in a world where innocence thrived
and guilt equated to eating a cookie before dinner
when if anything wasn't right
i could go outside and play pretend
for hours.
until it was better.
or until i forgot.

Take me back,
to the little girl
with long braided hair,
and calloused hands.
With stains on her t-shirt
and dirt on her face.
The little girl,
who believed she had the power
to change the world,
reverse the current.
The girl who believed in dreams,
and miracles
and fairy tales,
and true love.
The little girl that had everything figured out.
The little girl I used to be.

No Doubt

You had a bag of giant sized candy hearts.
I asked for one,
you fished around,
looking for the right words.
"Too bad,
they don't say
'Give me your paper'"
You joked,
finally choosing.
It read 'No doubt.'
"No doubt,
I need to copy"
I caved,
sliding over my warm-up,
as was routine.
I nibbled off part of the candy heart.
It dissolved in my mouth,
soft and mushy.
The table made a consensus:
The candy hearts were the most disgusting candy out there.
After a few minutes,
I nibbled off more of the heart.
Once again,
I gaged.
Randy asked,
"What the hell
is wrong with you?
That's gross."
And I replied,
"Its one of those things,
that's so bad that you hate it,
but once you stop,
it makes you want it more.
Even though it's really no good."
I was thinking along the lines of cigarettes.
But Randy shouted,
"Like your last relationship!"
Everyone laughed.
Maybe a little to hard.
You caught my eye.
I lost composure for a moment.
Confusion, longing, and need
flashed across my face.
And you stared back.
Large brown eyes like a horse.
Filling over with understanding.
Maybe even concern.
Locked with mine for a timeless moment.
I threw in the towel,
and I believe you did as well.
Fighting was useless now.
I don't doubt that you still care.
Be my bestfriend again?
No more doubt.