Hypnosis

Real.
This is all real.
"It's really real."
Your hands caressed my skin
I breathed you in
This is real.
Our eyes locked
My heart slowed
This is real.
Force of the fact
knocked me off my feet,
knocked me out.
pushed me into an altered state
of consciousness. a different awareness.
seeing you for the first time.
opening up new eyes.
This is real.
you joined me under the spell.
"Holy shit.
This is real."
I'm fairly certain that time stopped moving.
The rest of the world ceased existing.
This is real.
"Its like I'm seeing you for the first time.
You are so beautiful."
Seconds slowed to a crawl.
I stopped breathing.
overwhelming
overpowering
an intense expression of emotion
i couldn't previously imagine.
In that moment,
I fell deeper in love with you.
This is real.

A Broken Vow

Tomorrow I want to tell him.
Will I though? Probably not.
I honestly don't want to ever tell him.
I don't want him to see me differently.
i'm so selfish.
he says he'll be understanding;
he says nothing will change.
but I know it will.
No matter how hard he tries,
he will be left with an altered judgement of me.
maybe that is for the better.
maybe that will knock me down
off the pedestal i'm on in his mind.
maybe he will be safer;
maybe he'll guard his heart from me.
these are all potentially good outcomes.
but i'm too selfish,
and i don't want that.
I want things to stay how they are.
i want him to be naive and innocent forever.
i never want to reveal my daemons to him---
or anyone for that matter.
i went so long without saying a word
(A YEAR AND A HALF!)
that they almost faded from memory-
during the day.
almost.
but not at night.
the ghosts and nightmares still haunted my sleep.
still do,
but rarely now.
after i told jenna,
much of the guilt was lifted.
confession professed,
i pondered telling more.
perhaps if everyone knew there would be no guilt.
and then i remembered.
i broke a heart.
maybe it was not a conscious awareness,
but his intuition saw me for what i was---
a blood sucking succubus.
and i can't have you believing that.
though it is true,
and you would be safer without me,
i want to keep you all to myself.
terrance,
one day i'm going to hurt you.
bad.
i'm going to break your big, fragile heart.
i don't know when.
i don't know how.
i don't know where.
but is going to happen,
and you are going to leave me.
because i don't deserve someone like you.
pure and perfect.
brimming with childish innocence.
"you are still mysterious to me.
you still have your hidden skeletons."
if only you didn't know there were skeletons.
i don't want you to know the real me.






almost two years ago to the date i took a vow of silence concerning certain events.
i broke it already, but have not shattered it.
i am now preparing to recount those memories in full fledged detail.

I'm tryinig to let you know that I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have


I wish it could be like that first night all the time.
I wish it would always be that novelty.
That lust
that need.

panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic. panic.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror

i see a skeleton.

iv'ry bones protruding

cadaverous

emaciated

fragile

gangling

lanky

meager

scrawny

starved

undernourished

underweight

wan and wasted.

it sickens me,

that girl gazing back

with hallow eyes

and a waxy complexion.

i feel the wave of nausea,

aversion to the thought

of being so skeletal

so frail

grotesque

i want to puke

i want to run

do something

to make the ghastly

ghostly image

fade

The thing I hate most about Connie

is that I see myself in her.

I live a double life with my family, I fool my simple mother, I get scolded for doting on the mirror.

but most of all,

even after knowing who he really was---and what would happen to me,

I too, went willingly.

Raw Passion