I love you enough to overcome most of the pain.

And the saddest part is that I don't get that sick feeling anymore when I think there's a 1% chance this could be the end.
And the chance is much grater now.
40% at the least.
I love you so much I can't put it into words.
It's an intensity I've never felt before.
But I am so sick of being treated this way.
Katie and Exner can get compliments and your arm around them but I can't?
Dont. Tell me. You. Were just. Joking.
I've had enough.
And I love you and I want to stay with you.
Put I can't put myself through this if you don't make an effort.
Lets see what happens tonight.
Then I'll decide.

Unfulfilled.

Today was wonderful. You picked me up inside and took a big weight off my heart. I've missed cuddling with you. When your arms are around me I feel so much safer. I feel like everything can work out and there is no reason for me to worry. I see the Jake I fell in love with, not the Jake I argue with. I just want to stay there forever, where the everything is perfect for a few moments. I want to stare into your eyes and tell you that I love you. And I did. You response wasn't perfect, but what is? I love you.

The only problem with spending time like we did today is that its too good. I don't want to give it up. I don't allow myself to bring up what I've been meaning to talk with you about for so long. Even though I know that right then, we both let our guard down, and I could really speak to you and make you understand where I'm coming from. But I feel like those moments are a fragile pice of glass. If I open my mouth it will shatter into a million pices and I wont be able to put it back together. I'll just have to wait for the next glass-moment to come along. And what if it doesn't? So I push the important issues to the back of my mind and lose myself in your presence for awhile.

When I have to leave, all too soon, I'm still floating on air. For the rest of the day I should be happy. And I am. Although I feel unfulfilled. I know I should have talked to you and I'm beating myself up for not doing it. Now I'm just going to put it on the back-burner and wait for another oportunity. And sadly, I know when that time comes around I'll just ignore it again.

Its my fault. I have to learn to speak my mind. And soon.

Hormones

I hate hormones. Almost as much as I hate periods. Isn't it great how they are a package deal? I swear I'm ready to rip my hair out one second and just sit down and cry the next. In the words of my mother "No wonder Jake didn't want a ride home with you tonight."
I have so much more to write but I just crashed. I would save this as a draft and write tomorrow, but I know I wont feel the same.
So goodnight.
Sweetdreams.
Please.

Yep. Thats about it. Almost....

I'm sorry. It was too harsh. I wish I could take it back. But that's how I felt. And even though i want to take it back, I'm making myself not. Because otherwise I'll never pipe up again to speak my mind. I'm too afraid to open my mouth when it matters most. And when I do say something, it comes out sounding like its a joke. But its not. It hurts. So bad. Only you could see when I was hurting before. Now it seems like I can fool you too. (Even though I wasn't trying to hide it.)
So kiss me? On the forehead. Like you did at first.
Soothe my heart.
Calm the inner storm.
Wipe the escaping tear.
And kiss me.

I Promise You Need To Know This (Sorry I can't say the words.)

This I Promise you,
Down to the core,
I need you.
I need you by my side.
I need your love.
I need your touch.
But right now,
I need your voice.


I love to please you,
You know that.
-Stop-
I Promise I'm selfish.
Its not all for you.
I do it for me.
Because I'm dying.


Dying for your praise
Dying for compliments
Dying to be told I'm beautiful
Believe it or not,


I Promise I'm self conscious
To the core
It doesn't change.
I'm not conceited,
But I need constant reminder
You said it before
But I need it further,
Often.
I don't lay naked
And watch you dress
because I'm lazy.
I'm waiting...
...

...

...

but that was then,
and I'm still waiting
For you to turn around-
pants halfway on-
and hop back onto my bed,
Just to hold me
Close to you
And look me up
And down
"You are the most beautiful woman I know"
You'd say.
Whether that's true is debatable
but that doesn't matter.
I'd still glow.
But its been almost a year
And,
I Promise,

That has never happened.

I promise,

after we fool around,

and you say I look sad,

I am.

But it's not what you think.

I Promise

I feel used,

again.

Is it that hard

To tell me you love me

When it counts the most?

Not when we get off the phone.

Not when you say good-night.

But when its you and me

alone.

And the rest of the world melts

away

And nothing else is important

To me

But you.

For me,

it doesn't seem that way,

for you.

Its like

Everything else

Is much more important.

Suck it and we're done.

No cuddles

No favor returned

You open your laptop,

Download music

And whatnot.

As I pretend to nap

Holding back the tears.

And I Promise

More than anything

I want this to work.

I love you and

I can't lose you

And you need to

Know this.

All of it.

For that to happen.

Cuz that's a Promise.

Living a LiE

Is it possible to change your memories?
I've been accused of that recently.
I hated myself
So fully.
So completely.
So all encompassing.
For what I did.
But it was done in fear.
Wasn't it?
That is the only reason I let him.
Because I was afraid.
Wasn't I?
Terrified of the machine before me.
The toned muscle.
This sick mind.
The angry demands.
My excuse was fear,
As far as I remember.
But was there more?
Did I really want it?
Did I intice the behavior?
Did I ask for it?
Thats not how I remember.
But bile rose in me when you mentioned
You remembered it differently.
The hate,
Guilt,
Shame
I felt.
Did it change my recolection?
Is that how I survived it?
By changing the past?
To fit my reasoning?

I don't think I can deal with knowing the truth, if the truth is not how I recall. If I'm wrong, and I allowed those events to occur willingly, I don't deserve this wonderful life I have, for then this life is a lie. Where do I really belong? Right in the middle of this LiE?

Vanity.

Beauty is pain.

More than that,
Beauty is plague.
A disease.
Vanity.
Sick perfectionism,
Rude prejudice,
Conceit.
Downfall of moral.
Desctruction of value.
Death of friendship.

Vain little bitch,

It tears you up inside.

Unrelenting,

Neverending,

No escape.

This self-concious mental illness leaves your heart exploding in ur chest. Terrified of what others think. Scared of how you apear. I fear there's no way to make this nightmare end.